Still thinking
J and I had a long talk about the cesarean the other night. He's all for it but he understands that I feel a bit differently. I've heard it said that if men had the babies they would all be born by cesarean! I can just imagine that.
I think my discomfort isn't with the thought of having a second cesarean, it's with the idea of planning a cesarean. If I went into labour, ended up needing another C-section and never experienced a vaginal birth I would be totally fine with it. It does feel strange though to choose to never have a vaginal birth. I can't put my finger on why it makes me uncomfortable but it does. I really didn't expect to feel this way and it's so frustrating. I thought I would come out of the doctor's on Monday all excited but I just felt rather deflated.
The consultant was no help at all. I asked his opinion and he said he didn't feel strongly one way or the other and it was a choice for me to make. He did give me various options such as booking the C-section for 41 weeks rather than at 39. The problem is that Mom and Dad would've come and gone by then and there's no guarantee I would have the baby before they left. And therein lies part of my problem. This birth is based on convenience. It's about timing it so that we can organise childcare and help afterwards. It's about the fact that I like the idea of remaining continent into old age and not turning my backside inside out from pushing. It's all about what's convenient for us, but what's wrong with that? I don't know, but for some reason it bugs me.
Is this a selfish choice? Would it benefit Cupcake to attempt a vaginal birth? From what I've read that is a straightforward yes. She would benefit from me going into labour, even if it ended up in another C-section. The hormones released in labour and the contractions give her lungs that final push to maturity, which is probably why Tobes was able to come out shouting.
The problem of a natural birth is in the details. What would we do with Toby? Our friends in Chislehurst are all moving away and they have children of their own anyway so coming over at 4am isn't really an option. J's parents are two hours away and our friends in Blackheath both work full time so I can't really expect them to be able to drop everything for us. The other thing is that I've never experienced spontaneous labour so I have no idea what it would be like for me. Tobes was induced and helped along every step of the way. What if I had a really fast labour and had to get to the hospital immediately. What then?
It's so confusing. I really feel pulled in two different directions. A big part of me hopes that Cupcake decides to arrive early and we're just forced to cope but the specialist thinks that probably won't happen. I know that we'll keep the appointment for the cesarean but I want to totally make my peace with the decision before the big day. If I'm not happy with it I know it'll play on my mind for years afterwards.
I think my discomfort isn't with the thought of having a second cesarean, it's with the idea of planning a cesarean. If I went into labour, ended up needing another C-section and never experienced a vaginal birth I would be totally fine with it. It does feel strange though to choose to never have a vaginal birth. I can't put my finger on why it makes me uncomfortable but it does. I really didn't expect to feel this way and it's so frustrating. I thought I would come out of the doctor's on Monday all excited but I just felt rather deflated.
The consultant was no help at all. I asked his opinion and he said he didn't feel strongly one way or the other and it was a choice for me to make. He did give me various options such as booking the C-section for 41 weeks rather than at 39. The problem is that Mom and Dad would've come and gone by then and there's no guarantee I would have the baby before they left. And therein lies part of my problem. This birth is based on convenience. It's about timing it so that we can organise childcare and help afterwards. It's about the fact that I like the idea of remaining continent into old age and not turning my backside inside out from pushing. It's all about what's convenient for us, but what's wrong with that? I don't know, but for some reason it bugs me.
Is this a selfish choice? Would it benefit Cupcake to attempt a vaginal birth? From what I've read that is a straightforward yes. She would benefit from me going into labour, even if it ended up in another C-section. The hormones released in labour and the contractions give her lungs that final push to maturity, which is probably why Tobes was able to come out shouting.
The problem of a natural birth is in the details. What would we do with Toby? Our friends in Chislehurst are all moving away and they have children of their own anyway so coming over at 4am isn't really an option. J's parents are two hours away and our friends in Blackheath both work full time so I can't really expect them to be able to drop everything for us. The other thing is that I've never experienced spontaneous labour so I have no idea what it would be like for me. Tobes was induced and helped along every step of the way. What if I had a really fast labour and had to get to the hospital immediately. What then?
It's so confusing. I really feel pulled in two different directions. A big part of me hopes that Cupcake decides to arrive early and we're just forced to cope but the specialist thinks that probably won't happen. I know that we'll keep the appointment for the cesarean but I want to totally make my peace with the decision before the big day. If I'm not happy with it I know it'll play on my mind for years afterwards.
posted by K @ 1:30 pm
5 Comments:
At 12:34 am,
Nikki B said…
what's up with the comment spam lately? I've gotten a lot of it and it sucks! Anyway, I think the C-section is smart, simply b/c of the risk associated with a natural birth after a c-section. Plus, lots of babies are born this way and, yes, maybe the natural birth will help her lungs, but I think the way in which she enters this world will be overshadowed by the amazing, loving, upbringing she's going to have. THAT is what will impact her the most, not how she left your body.
At 8:50 am,
K said…
Oh honey, thank you so much. I've been up just over an hour and the day had been crap so far. Your comment has turned the morning around.
I did read on my internet group last night that one of the women had a difficult birth, needed a forceps delivery and ended up with a hole between her vagina and anus and her sphincter was ripped in half!! She has a colostomy bag now which she hopes will be temporary but they're not sure yet. That made a C-section sound like a walk in the park. By the way, her baby was fine.
OK, off to get the day started.
At 11:54 am,
eBeth said…
you can turn on a comment verification system on the front page of blogger that will help with the spam.
Firstly, I think that you don't have as much of the luxury of letting nature take its course as you did with Toby. You are an expat, have a three year old and have plans that need to be made. It's not being selfish to schedule a section, given that there's a probability that you'll end up with one in the end anyway. You're being PRACTICAL. Take it easy on yourself.. be your own best friend, if this was happening to a friend, what would you recommend?
Secondly - the whole scar burst possibility during a VBAC freaks me right out.
Thirdly, for what it's worth - I was induced, but only with the prosta-gel, so nothing to the benefit of MC. and well, we're okay.
Trust your instinct. :) I swear I'll never say you were too posh to push!
At 6:28 pm,
K said…
You know, I think the whole too posh to push thing is a factor in my feelings. So silly but I there is definitely a negative association with elective cesarean. I would hate to have assumptions made about me because of my labour choice.
You're very right though, if this was a friend I would say to be kind to yourself and go with the cesarean and make up for any residual guilt by spoiling the baby rotten. I think I'm starting to follow my own advice. You should see the little pink tights and socks with watermelons on them that I bought for Cupcake today.
At 10:52 pm,
eBeth said…
fantastic tights are one of my silly favourite things about having a girl. the others include: hairbands, shoes, tiny pink underpants, dresses with lots of pouffe to them, dolls and wanting to wear makeup and play dressup princess. :) you're going to LOVE having a girl.
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