Breakdown #2

Had another crying fit last night. This time I cried so hard I was hoarse afterwards and this morning my eyes were so puffy I looked like Rocky after a few rounds with Mr T.

Had a very stressful day. It was really hot yesterday and, even first thing in the morning, I was feeling the effects of it. My blood pressure is still making me feel woozy and when it's hot it's even worse. Tobes and I were scheduled to go to an Open Day at a primary school in Blackheath (more on that in K's Blog) and I was dreading the journey in our car which doesn't have AC. I came very close to cancelling but I wasn't sure I would get the chance to see the school again before I had to start registering Tobes so we went.

Tobes hates the heat as much as I do and I know this is some curse from my Mom for all the whining I did about being hot in Texas. Tobes kept up a consistent whine the whole drive to Blackheath then refused to get out of the car unless I carried him. Five months pregnant, low blood pressure, 85 degrees, 40 pound child.... not going to happen. So I had to use every last ounce of patience to talk him out of the car. Then we had our visit to the school and I was ready to go home.

I had planned for Tobes and I to go into Blackheath village and get a Frappucino for the drive home but I felt so hot and tired that I suggested we just go straight home. The thought of parking, getting out of the car, waiting in line, getting Tobes back into his car seat all just sounded too much like hard work. I told Tobes we were just going home and all hell broke loose. He wanted his ICE DRINK. I couldn't really blame him because it was bloody hot and I had said we would get Frappucinos so I turned the car around and we headed into the village.

Little did I know that the village was in chaos. They were resurfacing the roads and the few streets that were open had very little parking. Tobes and I drove right past the Starbucks with him screaming all the way. I thought I would try to circle back and find a place to park but, after an hour and a long detour through Greenwich I gave up. Thankfully Toby passed out somewhere around the Cutty Sark so I had some peace but it was so hot and I felt so sick and dizzy that I ended up in tears. I wanted to pull over but there was no where to go. I had all the windows down to try to get some air into the car which meant that I had no privacy and I saw more than one driver give me a funny look as we sat side by side in parking lot traffic.

We finally made it home and Tobes continued his ranting. All I wanted to do was sit down with a cold drink and put my feet up for a few minutes but it never happened. Tobes whined and cried and made the whole day absolute hell. The heat and the nap left him incredibly cranky and nothing I did was right.

Finally bedtime arrived. Peace... or so I thought. Because Tobes had slept in the car, he wasn't the least bit interested in going to bed. J was working late so I was on my own. By the time J got home it was 9.30, Tobes was still awake and I was a nervous wreck. I started out by shouting and ended up in a heap. Tears and snot all over the place.

The day was just too much. Take away one of the negatives - the heat, my blood pressure, the roadworks in Blackheath - and it probably would've worked out. I just seem to be constantly on the edge emotionally. One little push and..... wahhhhhhhh!!

Things I'm worried about right now:

• Finding a good primary school for Tobes (and I thought my worries over his education would get a break now that I've found a preschool!)
• Toby's heart - still waiting to hear from the specialist. Bloody NHS.
• The move - clearing out stuff here, decorating there, unpacking, etc, etc
• Toby's birthday party - coming up fast. Have to get my butt in gear.
• My own health - feel so crap so much of the time yet there's no time to rest.
• My choice of birth - leaning towards C-section but strange sense of guilt is creeping in. Must be the yoga.
• Baby stuff - what do we have, what do we need, what can I do without

And I know there are other things but I'm too tired to think of them right now. I've spent today trying to make lists of all the things that need to be done and it does help. I'm so scatterbrained lately that I always feel as if I'm forgetting something. I even made my list of things to take to the hospital. I used my list for Tobes as a starting point and couldn't help but laugh at some of my past naiveity. Will have to entertain you with excerpts another day.

Also still trying to get some photos sorted out to post but that seems to be at the bottom of the list right now. It will happen one day!