How sad am I

J got down the big box of Toby's baby clothes for me to sort through for Cupcake. We've had all of his first year clothes packed away and I wanted to sort through them and see what to keep for Toby's possible babies one day (he was given some beautiful hand-knitted cardigans), what to keep for Cupcake and what to give to charity.

I had mixed emotions about sorting through the box. I really want to get Cupcake's layette organised but I knew that I would get all emotional looking through Toby's tiny baby things. The first thing I wanted to find was Toby's very first outfit. A few days after we discovered I was pregnant with Tobes J and I went down to Baby Gap in Omote Sando (remember, we were still in Tokyo then) and bought a tiny white nightgown. The kind with the drawstring at the bottom and little mittens on the hands. We also bought the smallest undershirt they sold. Within an hour of being born these are the clothes that Toby wore. What with a very messy first poo and his habit of spitting up everything that he ate, he didn't wear them long, but they're very special.

I found them towards the bottom of the box and they're in perfect condition. I held the little gown up to Tobes to compare sizes. Amazing that he ever fit into anything so tiny. Needless to say, Cupcake willl be wearing the same outift within a few hours of her birth.

I had a quick look through the rest of the clothes and was pleased to see that there are a number of things that Cupcake can wear. Yellow and white outfits, little cotton nightgowns and sleepsuits, undershirts, etc. I was surprised when I found a piece of clothing that I didn't recognise. I thought everything that Toby touched would be burned into my brain. I don't think I could worship a child more.

And to illustrate that point... I found one tiny T-shirt that I had forgotten to wash before putting it in the box and it still had a big, dry splat of baby vomit on the front of it. Oh well, I guess a tired, first-time Mom is bound to do things like that. Was I disgusted? Did I immediately throw the little top away? No. I held it up to my nose and took a big whiff. Suddenly it was as if a newborn Toby was in my arms again and I burst into tears.

Cut the cord? Poor little guy, when the time comes he's going to have to take a chainsaw to it. Cupcake, sweetheart, you've been warned. Your Mommy is crazy.