Think I'm done with that class

Last night at yoga class the teacher caught me rolling my eyes when she told us to 'imagine your vagina opening like a flower'. It was one of those moments where I realised I had done it at the very same moment that I realised she was watching me. Not good. This was after pretending to sit on a toilet while we took turns massaging each others sacrums - translation: rubbing each other's bottoms. Later, we lay in the dark listening to Tibetan monks chant Christian saint's names as the instructor read out a 'beautiful' poem that contained lines such as 'bloody miracle mucous'. I actually had to get up and go to the loo. It was just too much.

As I drove home last night, reeking of chamomile tea and Hob Nobs and humming the Christian choir singing Buddhist mantras, I decided that I really need to find a different class. I love the yoga and can really feel the benefits but all this other airy-fairy stuff just isn't doing it for me. I'm all for being natural but, for me, part of that is being realistic. The instructor of this class bans the word 'pain' when discussing labour. She prefers words like 'power' and 'energy'. Fine. Giving birth is a very powerful experience and it takes a lot of energy but there's no getting around the fact that it hurts like hell too. I feel sorry for the first-time Moms who are going to go into labour expecting to 'channel the energy' and will most likely be shocked by the amount of pain they feel.

Anyone know any yoga instructors who don't mind words like 'pain', don't require you to touch stranger's body parts in class, don't think that epidurals are evil and offer a nice glass of white wine after class?