Toby and I were watching Finding Nemo today.

It was the part at the very beginning when Nemo is just an egg. Toby turned to me and said 'You making a baby in you tummy now?' I said that yes, I was. Then Tobes said 'He going to be my brudder and sit next to me and watch Nemo one day.'

He's absolutely convinced that we're having a boy. When J and I try to say that it might be a girl Toby says 'No! It's my brudder and he's a BOY.'

Popsicles and cheese

I've been on the search for something to settle my stomach. I feel queasy and tired all day and then every once in a while, just to spice things up, I start retching. If I'm really lucky I might even throw up. Oh, the joys of early pregnancy.

I had terrible morning sickness when I was pregnant with Toby and, if I'm honest, it's not as bad this time around (touch wood). The thing is that with Toby I had a few sure-fire things that would calm things down - gingersnaps, saltine crackers and Preggie Pops. Other things that often helped were instant mashed potato (don't even think about using real potatoes), McDonald's, and these ice-cream sandwich things they make in Tokyo. This time, none of those things really help and most of them make me feel sick just typing them.

The only two things I've found that really seem to help are Babybel cheese and popsicles. I thought I would be healthy and buy fruit juice ice lollies. Nope. Got to be the cheapo sugar water ice lolly. I'm just grateful that something can make a difference.

How things change

When I was pregnant with Toby I remember many times kneeling over the loo as Jason stood nearby with a glass of water, a damp cloth and a goofy grin. That was back when he was working across the street from our flat in Tokyo, could come home at a moment's notice and the whole pregnancy lark was fresh and new.

Now, things are so different. On Tuesday morning I threw up for the first time. J happened to be home because it was the morning of our ultrasound. I was in the shower and, as usual, the barfing was preceded with some quite attractive gagging. All very vocal. I expected J, if not to come running into the bathroom, to at least peek around the shower curtain and make sure everything was OK. Didn't happen. When I got out of the shower I told him that I had been sick for the first time. His response - 'Yeah, I heard.'

This morning I was sick again but this time I wasn't alone. As I kneeled over the toilet tossing my cookies, a little hand reached out and patted me on the back. Then I heard Toby say 'You doing great, Mommy' before giving me a handful of wadded up toilet paper.

Had our first ultrasound today

And it went really well. Everything is right on schedule, a good size and we saw the little heartbeat! Such a huge relief to see that tiny little pulse. Not like in Japan with Toby where we could actually hear the heartbeat at this stage, but it was wonderful just to see it. We got a few pics from the scan so the baby book has started.

We were relieved to learn that there's just one baby in there. Twins is something that we really feared. The thought of having Toby and another baby is daunting enough. I think twins would just about kill us.

Toby has taken an interest in it all and went to the ultrasound with us. He looked at the screen and pointed out the 'teeny tiny baby' who he insists is a 'brudder'. We'll definitely kind out the sex but it won't be until the 22 week scan. It's going to be so hard to wait that long! We found out Tobes was a boy at the ten week scan but, again, that was in Tokyo with a super-duper ultrasound machine. NHS doesn't quite stretch to super-duper.

I must admit that I'm imagining a little blonde boy. Smaller in build than Tobes. J thinks it's a girl. Just like with Toby we have a favourite girl's name but we have no idea about boys' names. Hopefully it'll just come to us like Toby's name did later in the pregnancy.

I'm feeling quite ill and actually threw up in the shower today. I think this is just the beginning. It was really bad with Toby. J had to cancel a business trip because I was so sick that I couldn't take care of myself. The morning sickness was awful. It's going to be interesting to have to deal with that AND take care of a two year old. It's a whole new world.

Feeling worried

My temp had fallen quite a bit this morning and it's on my mind. I did have a terrible night with Tobes though and I know that can affect temps. We're both still sick and the lack of sleep, medicine and illness could all make my temp a little funny.

I'm feeling so crap today - ill, nauseous, cranky as hell. I'm hoping that's a good sign but with the first miscarriage the only time I threw up was when I lost the baby. Apparently the pregnancy hormones leave the body really quickly and that can make you feel sick. So, I just don't know what's going on.

Luckily, we have the first ultrasound in the morning and we'll be able to see for sure how it's all going. I hope we see a little flashing heartbeat on the screen.

Lord, still ill

Went back to the docs today and was given an inhaler for my cough. I was reading the enclosed leaflet just as I was taking my first puff and had a coughing fit after seeing the words:

Do not use this medication if you are pregnant, trying to get pregnant or are breastfeeding.

Oh my god. I was sure I had injured my unborn child but after looking it up on the web I was assured that it was actually safe in small doses, which is what I'm taking.

I'm taking so many drugs at the moment that I think this kid will be bionic by the time he's born. He certainly shouldn't have any sinus problems... or maybe the reverse would be true and he could have chronic sinusitis. Jeez, I know I could really work myself up into a frenzy now but I have carefully checked out each medicine and have been assured that they're all safe in pregnancy.

I'm just so tired of being ill. I want to get over this cold so I can just get on with the joy of barfing five times a day, eating cake for breakfast and having six orders of McDonald's french fries for dinner. You know, the really good things about being pregnant.

I've started retching - hooray!!

Went over to Sainsbury's with Toby today and ended up retching and having to sit down on a big box of baked beans. With my current sore throat I sounded like a seal in agony but we live in a village with a lot of elderly people who just gave me knowing looks and little winks as they passed by.

Made it out of the store and into the churchyard before I ripped into the box of Snickers ice creams. It was a close call though. Tobes and I sat amongst the tombstones in the unexpected sunshine and scarfed down ice cream. I felt so much better after that.

The experience has made me get around to ordering some more Preggie Pops. They're herbal lollipops for morning sickness. Thank goodness they've started doing them as sweets without the sticks. The stick always seemed to look a bit like a cigarette when I was eating them and I got some dirty looks once I started showing with Tobes. Anyway, it'll be so much easier to be discreet without a big white stick poking out of my mouth.

I ordered some Seabands too which Mary used with her last pregnancy and said they helped. I'll try anything!

Getting quite nauseous

Which is a good thing and I'm very pleased, but it's pretty tough at the moment dealing with a cold at the same time. The chemist refused to sell me decongestants when I said I was pregnant but, after doing some research on the web, I've discovered that some are safe. So I'm treating myself to a dose of Sudafed first thing in the morning and just before bed. What a luxury.

I've been shocked at the growing size of my belly! At first I thought I was just bloated but I caught my profile in the hall mirror and I already look pregnant. I can't believe it's happening so quickly. It's going to be very hard to keep this pregnancy a secret from Nikki when she comes over in a few weeks. I should be barfing left and right by then and, at this rate, my bump will be quite noticeable.

We've decided to keep it all secret until after we've passed a few more milestones and had some tests done. I'd also like to be able to tell my parents in person that I'm pregnant at least once! Besides, I know they will only worry until we get the all-clear and they have enough on their plates at the moment. So, mum's the word! Hee hee.

Still pregnant

Went to the doc's today and I have an upper respiratory infection. This is just all too familiar. I lost the first baby when I got sick in Austin. I ended up crying in the doctor's office as I explained the situation and my concerns. Really shitting myself, to be honest.

All I can do is take care of myself and hope for the best. My temp was still good this morning though when I took it a bit earlier than usual it had dropped almost a degree, which would be very bad. I might have been sleeping with my mouth open which could have affected the temp. When I took it at the normal time it was back to a healthy level. I really hope that one temp was just a fluke and not a hint of what's to come.

Still feel pregnant and I think that's a good sign.

The reality of the situation...

... is just starting to dawn on me. All being well, I'm going to be pregnant and raising a two year old AT THE SAME TIME. I've been concentrating so much on just keeping the pregnancy going that I haven't given much thought to what it will take to just survive a pregnancy with Tobes. When I was pregnant with Toby I was sick as a dog for about two months. I could barely get out of bed, couldn't even shower myself or wash my hair because I would get such bad nausea and vertigo that I would just fall over. It was very hard but I wasn't working and J was working right across the street so he could pop home and bring me lunch, stay late into the morning and be home by 5.30pm.

Going to be very different this time around. No laying on the couch watching QVC all afternoon. No sleeping in late, then having a nap and going to bed early. No getting J to make instant mashed potatoes at 4am since he'll be getting up at 5.30 for work now. It's a whole new ballgame.

How will I handle morning sickness and still be able to change poopy nappies? How will I get through the day without a lie-in or a nap? I'm feeling exhausted already and I've barely even begun this process. How will I wrestle Toby into his shoes or get him in and out of the bath when my belly is the size of a watermelon? I feel really daunted by the prospect of the hard work ahead.

And then, at the end of the pregnancy, I'll have a newborn baby AND a three year old. My God, I need to lie down.

Seeing the doctor today

I should have a scan this week or next and hopefully that will help to put our minds at rest. I had a temp drop of .3 degrees this morning and it made me realise how fragile this pregnancy could be. I so much want to have this baby. My symptoms are still good so there's no real reason for concern but I'm still trying to be realistic.

Still looking good

Everything is still going well and I have my doctor's appointment on Monday. We should get an early scan and then I think I'll start to really relax into it. J and I have allowed ourselves to discuss names a bit and Jason thinks we're having a girl this time. I really have no idea. I was convinced that Tobes was a girl until we learned otherwise so I'm obviously not very good at guessing.

7 November 2005

I'm allowing myself to daydream a little now. I've worked out that my due date is 7 November 2005. That sounds nice. Not too hot that time of year and we can have a wonderful Thanksgiving - at a restaurant! No way will I be cooking such a big meal just three weeks after giving birth. Superwoman I am not.

Things are still looking good and I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm trying to stay balanced but I also don't want for the first few days of this little one's beginning to be clouded with my worry hormones. I was ecstatically happy my whole pregnancy with Toby and I sometimes wonder if that's one of the reasons why he's such a happy, confident boy.