Just call me Moby

Not the little bald singer but the big whale. I am huge. I think we timed the portrait just right because in the last few days I've gone from lovely and round to plain old ginormous. My face has gotten puffy and my feet have started to spread. I huffed and puffed around Bromley yesterday looking for some comfortable shoes. I've gone up a whole size. I was so tired and flustered by the end that I bought a pair of shoes that are too small and not the style I wanted. Brilliant. Tobes and I are going to try to get out to Bluewater today so I can exchange or return them.

I am definitely in that God-help-me-I'm-about-to-explode phase of pregnancy and the bump is getting lower and lower. I was looking at the angle of my belly button last night (or what's left of it) and it's got a definite downward tilt now. There's a gap between my boobs and my belly and when I sit down it feels like Cupcake is resting in my lap. All good news really. It means she's getting bigger and engaging further which all points to her getting nice and cooked.

OK, I NEED a Krispy Kreme. I seriously hope they have some Boston Creams. I might have to crawl over the counter and make them myself. We're off.

Still thinking

J and I had a long talk about the cesarean the other night. He's all for it but he understands that I feel a bit differently. I've heard it said that if men had the babies they would all be born by cesarean! I can just imagine that.

I think my discomfort isn't with the thought of having a second cesarean, it's with the idea of planning a cesarean. If I went into labour, ended up needing another C-section and never experienced a vaginal birth I would be totally fine with it. It does feel strange though to choose to never have a vaginal birth. I can't put my finger on why it makes me uncomfortable but it does. I really didn't expect to feel this way and it's so frustrating. I thought I would come out of the doctor's on Monday all excited but I just felt rather deflated.

The consultant was no help at all. I asked his opinion and he said he didn't feel strongly one way or the other and it was a choice for me to make. He did give me various options such as booking the C-section for 41 weeks rather than at 39. The problem is that Mom and Dad would've come and gone by then and there's no guarantee I would have the baby before they left. And therein lies part of my problem. This birth is based on convenience. It's about timing it so that we can organise childcare and help afterwards. It's about the fact that I like the idea of remaining continent into old age and not turning my backside inside out from pushing. It's all about what's convenient for us, but what's wrong with that? I don't know, but for some reason it bugs me.

Is this a selfish choice? Would it benefit Cupcake to attempt a vaginal birth? From what I've read that is a straightforward yes. She would benefit from me going into labour, even if it ended up in another C-section. The hormones released in labour and the contractions give her lungs that final push to maturity, which is probably why Tobes was able to come out shouting.

The problem of a natural birth is in the details. What would we do with Toby? Our friends in Chislehurst are all moving away and they have children of their own anyway so coming over at 4am isn't really an option. J's parents are two hours away and our friends in Blackheath both work full time so I can't really expect them to be able to drop everything for us. The other thing is that I've never experienced spontaneous labour so I have no idea what it would be like for me. Tobes was induced and helped along every step of the way. What if I had a really fast labour and had to get to the hospital immediately. What then?

It's so confusing. I really feel pulled in two different directions. A big part of me hopes that Cupcake decides to arrive early and we're just forced to cope but the specialist thinks that probably won't happen. I know that we'll keep the appointment for the cesarean but I want to totally make my peace with the decision before the big day. If I'm not happy with it I know it'll play on my mind for years afterwards.

5 weeks and 1 day to go... exactly

Saw the consultant today and booked the cesarean for 1 November! I have to admit I'm having slightly mixed emotions about it now that it's all booked. It just feels so strange knowing when the baby will arrive. I'm going to have to give it all some more thought. I'm sure it's the right choice for us but I need to get totally comfortable with the idea. They said I can change my mind at any time so there's no pressure.

Saying that, 1 November would be a lovely day to have Cupcake. It's Nikki's birthday and it's a Tuesday - 'Tuesday's child is full of grace'. It's also the day after Mom and Dad are due to arrive so I wouldn't have much time with them before the birth but we would have lots of time afterwards.

I just need to think about it all a bit more. Not going to happen tonight though. Feeling totally exhausted so I'm going to have some cereal for dinner and go straight to bed.

5 weeks to go

It seems like these countdown posts are coming faster and faster.

Not much to report. Just feeling huge. I'm seeing the consultant today to book the cesarean. I've got a list of questions but I don't really feel prepared. I'm hoping I can get Tobes interested in paintng or something so I can sit down and try to get my head around it all.

Cupcake still feels very low and hopefully I'll find out today if she's still engaged. I've been feeling a bit moody and down the last few days. I think I'm just ready for the pregnancy part to be over and the baby part to begin. Sounds crazy because I know the baby part is soooo much harder but I just want to get on with it. The last few weeks of waiting are like torture for someone with the patience of a gnat.

I had a call from my GP last week and she asked if I would take part in a community study on pregnancy. There are two fourth year medical students who need to meet a pregnant woman and interview her about her pregnancy, hopefully attend the birth and then visit her a couple of times after the birth to discuss her feelings about it all. I said that I would be happy to help. The program is set up so that the students can get a personal viewpoint of a woman's needs in pregnancy and therefore be more sympathetic with their own patients when the time comes. I thought it was a brilliant idea.

So, the two guys came over on Friday and asked me how the pregnancy had affected my life, my relationships, how I felt about it all, etc, etc. By the time the guys left I felt sorry for them. I don't think they were expecting such a chatty Yank! They were both very nice men and we talked for quite a while. Unfortunately, with my attention distracted from him Tobes started acting up. He was literally crawling all over me but I was so pleased to be able to talk about this pregnancy that I just kept chatting even as Toby was literally climbing on top of my head.

I had read that no one is interested in second pregnancies and, though I wouldn't say that is totally true, there is a big element of truth to it. Even J and I haven't been as tuned into this pregnancy as we were the first time around. We just can't be, too tired and too busy. It was so nice to sit and talk about Cupcake and babies for a while, even with a little monster of a three year old hanging off of me at the same time.

So I'll let the students know when I've booked the cesarean and I have their mobile number in case I go into labour sooner. I actually quite like the idea of them coming to the birth. Perhaps it will give me that continuity that will be missing with the way the midwives work here and with our move and so many other things changing. It would be nice to be able to see at least some of the same people before, during and after the baby's arrival. These guys aren't giving me any medical advice or anything like that. They're just asking me how I feel and then really listening to my answers. That feels nice and it makes me think about how I really feel. Doesn't seem to be much time for thinking anymore.

Getting there

There are teeny, tiny nappies in the house again! Got my order delivered last night with the nappies, newborn baby wipes, cotton pads, bottle brush (bought the bottles ages ago), her own nappy cream, and just about every other newborn toiletry item you can imagine. I got a few treats for me too - maternity pads, nipple cream, moist toilet paper wipes and breast pads. Not great treats, I admit, but it was good to see a little something in there for me.

Saw the midwife today and, as J and I suspected, Cupcake has started to engage. We noticed over the weekend that my bump looked lower and I've been feeling the extra pressure on my bladder and cervix. Of course, she is a second baby and could pop back out again but it's a good sign that she's getting nice and cooked. She's just dropping down into my pelvis and is on the left side with her back out, which is the optimum position. Tobes was always to the right and liked to keep his back to mine which meant spending many nights watching TV on my hands and knees in the hope that he would turn around.

I have to admit that I'm starting to feel a little excited at the idea of going into labour. I see the consultant on Monday and I'll book the cesarean but it might be nice if Cupcake decided to come a littler earlier and of her own free will. Either way I'll be happy as long as we're both safe and healthy at the end of it, but maybe I will get the chance to say those immortal words 'Honey, it's time'.

One thing I did learn today that was a bit disappointing is that the midwives here don't operate a group practice. This means that if I do go into labour it'll be a hospital midwife who helps me through the labour and delivers the baby. It would be someone that I've never met before. That seems very strange to me. Labour and birth are so intimate. I can't imagine going through that with a stranger. And what if I don't like the midwife?!

With Tobes I was taken care of by a group practice which meant that during my antenatal care I saw one of six midwives. They scheduled me so that I would be sure to meet each one before labour and then whoever was on duty would assist me and deliver the baby at the hospital. That way when the time came it was a familiar face in the labour room and they knew me well because they had been seeing me for months. They also came to the house every few days after the birth to weigh Tobes, check on me and answer any questions I might have. It was so nice and personal. I'm really going to miss it this time.

Of course, with the move my postnatal care will be with someone else altogether as it'll be the midwife at our new doctor's office in Blackheath. I'm going to schedule an appointment before the birth just so I can be sure and meet her beforehand but I'll stay with my current hospital. I don't see the point in transferring my care at such a late stage and the drive to the hospital is only a few minutes longer. I may be regretting that if I go into labour and we get stuck in traffic though.

I'm expecting the call from Sports Illustrated any minute now...

6 weeks to go - Ho-leee Cow!

Can't believe how quickly the time is going now. J and I were talking about it last night and he was saying he'll be a little sad when it's all over. I think he'd like to have another baby just to see me pregnant again. He loves it and we're right in the thick of it now. I seem to have grown again over the weekend and Cupcake is developing her own little personality. She'll 'play' with us now by pushing back when we rub my belly and talk to her.

Had the portrait session on Saturday and it was fantastic. I totally recommend it to any pregnant gals reading this. We did a few pics totally dressed, for the parents, then stripped off. I was completely comfortable and felt so beautiful and special. I just hope the actual images compare to how great I felt posing for them. The photographer's wife is seven months pregnant with their first baby so he wasn't shocked by my big belly and I think we got some great pics. We go back for the viewing in a couple of weeks.

Lately, I've felt a real shift in the pregnancy. A slowing down and drawing in. I remember this feeling with Toby. Everything starts to shrink down to our little bubble and all of the unimportant stuff gets set aside. It's a nice, cozy feeling and I hope I can really give myself up to it like I did with Tobes. I think of it as my own version of the traditional confinement in the last month of pregnancy. My focus is totally on family, home and preparation for the baby's arrival. I'm not quite there yet but I feel things shifting in that direction.

I've been thinking about Cupcake a lot too - as a person, a little girl, a young woman - and I think I'm ready to make my predictions for her. I did this with Tobes based on his life in the womb and mother's intuition. I guessed that, among other things, Tobes would be energetic, tactile, dexterous, very sociable, affectionate and independent. So far, all of those things have been true.

So my predictions for Cupcake are:

Based on her life in the womb - I think she'll be a very active child with a bit of a temper but with composure and direction. Neither Tobes nor Cupcake liked to have ultrasounds but they differ in that Tobes would simply thrash around or kick out wildly while Cupcake will squirm a little and then deliver one or two well-targeted kicks. I think that people who are close to Cupcake will be very special to her but she'll be wary of new people. She loves to interact with me, J and Toby but tends to go quiet when other people are around. I'll feel her moving so I know she's awake but she seems to prefer to listen rather than try to participate. I think she'll enjoy music but it won't be very important to her. She'll be a very determined person who won't give up easily. If she wants to put her foot somewhere and I'm lying in a position that makes it impossible, she doesn't just give up and try to put her foot somewhere else. She pushes in the same spot harder and harder until I eventually move so that she can put her foot wherever she wants it to go.

Based on mother's intuition - I think Cupcake will be a somewhat serious, self-contained child. I have a feeling that she'll be the kind of child who's always watching and doesn't miss a thing. I hope she has her rambunctious, playful, silly times too but I do see her as a thinker. A very calm exterior but with a great deal of passion just under the surface.

What she'll look like - I have no idea! Aside from the actual images I've seen of her face I really don't have a clear image of her in my mind. With Tobes I just knew what he was going to look like. I even clipped an image from a magazine and kept it because I thought the baby looked so much like Tobes - this was a couple of months before he was born. I do think Cupcake will have blue eyes but I can see her as either very dark-haired or very blonde. I guess it'll be a surprise.

Our long-legged girl

Saw Cupcake at the ultrasound yesterday. It was a great one. The sonographer was really good and I saw her face very clearly. She still has chubby cheeks and as we watched her she stretched her arms over her head and gave a big yawn. It was so adorable and so clear. I could even differentiate her lips and gums. I can't wait to meet her.

This scan was to check her growth because she measured a bit big at the last ultrasound. Still a bit big but the sonographer said that she's staying on the same growth curve so there's no reason for concern. She's measuring about three weeks ahead, which is the same as Tobes. When I told the tech that my firstborn was exactly the same he said I probably just make big babies and there's no reason to change my dates. I was very relieved to hear this because with an elective cesarean I want to make sure she's totally cooked before we get her out. If they ended up changing my dates by three weeks like they did with Tobes then she might not be 'done' yet.

So, for anyone who's interested here are Cupcake's current measurements and how they compare to the averages. She's around the 95th percentile which means that only about 5% of babies in the UK are as big or bigger than she is (thank goodness for cesareans!). The sonographer said not to expect a chubby baby because she's going to be a long, slim thing. Again, Tobes was the same. I kept waiting for him to get that lovely Michelin Man look on his arms and legs but it never happened. He finally, after a lot of avocados and butter on his veggies, developed a little crease on the inside of each thigh which lasted about six months, then he started walking and lost the extra weight and was back to being Toby Chicken-legs. Ah well, I do like chicken legs too.

Bi-parietal diameter (head diameter) - Average : 80mm Cupcake : 86mm

Head circumference - Average : 298mm Cupcake : 307mm

Abdominal circumference - Average : 270mm Cupcake : 298mm

Femur length - Average : 60mm Cupcake : 66mm

Estimated weight - Average : 1.6kg Cupcake : 2.3kg

Unfortunately, J missed the ultrasound yesterday. It confllicted with Toby's school times so J stayed in Blackheath to pick Tobes up and I met them afterwards. I guess we'll have to get used to this kind of divide and conquer strategy with two kids.

The other thing they found at the scan was that I have another fibroid. This one is about 3cm but isn't in the baby's way and shouldn't cause any problems. I had one with Tobes and the only issue was when it outgrew its blood supply which was very painful for me. This one is still quite small so more than likely it'll just be there until the birth and then shrink down as the pregnancy hormones reduce.

7 weeks to go

32 weeks today and feeling pretty good. Still a few aches and pains, which is normal I guess. I did think my back was much better until my massage yesterday. As soon as the therapist started rubbing the injured area I realised how much healing I have left to do. Still very sore.

I've lost my appetite which is strange. I don't remember that with Tobes, just the opposite in fact. The one thing I do still enjoy eating is a nice box of chocolates. So far I've worked my way through a box of Thorntons, a Cadbury Milk Tray and a Nestle Dairy Tray. I did have some help from Tobes and J but not a lot. I've been craving Lamme's Longhorns and Pralines but they don't deliver chocs until November. I've already briefed Mom and Dad to bring some over. Going to buy some more chocs today. Interestingly, even with the loss of appetite my weight gain continues apace. Funny that.

I've definitley felt a mental shift this weekend. The reality of the birth is starting to hit me. I've been thinking a lot about having two children, how we'll cope, how to help Tobes make the transition, even what to feed my parents while they're here. I haven't thought much about the fact that at some point in the next couple of months I'm going to be in a great deal of discomfort.

This dawning happened with Tobes too but it was much later. I remember describing it in Toby's pregnancy journal as knowing that I'm going to be hit by a bus sometime in the next few weeks. I'm going to be in a lot of pain and need time to recover. No idea exactly how or when it's going to happen... just that it's definitely going to happen. The bus is on its way.

I've also started remembering more details from the first few weeks with Toby. Details that my brain had very kindly kept in a locked box until now. Things like wearing cabbage leaves in my bra to help with the pain of breastfeeding. My boobs were so hot (and not in a good way) that the cabbage would soon wilt and start to stew. Mix that aroma with sour breastmilk and baby vomit and you've got a pretty toxic combination. I remember answering the door once to a deliveryman. He had woken me from a nap and I wasn't happy. He visibly flinched and took a step back when I opened the door and it wasn't until after he left that I looked in the mirror and saw the scowl on my exhausted face, the cabbage leaves hanging out of my tanktop and the breast pads which had ended up under my armpits. I was a real beauty.

I also got out some of Toby's newborn photos recently. I read that a good way to prepare your firstborn for the new baby is to look at photos of him as a newborn. So Tobes and I sat in the armchair in his room and worked our way through his baby book and box of photos. He was so gorgeous. For the first time I actually looked at myself in the photos too. Every other time that I've seen the images I just looked at the precious baby in my arms. This time I saw my face too.

There's one in particular that shocked me. There I am, holding Tobes and smiling. I look happy but completely and utterly shattered. There are big dark circles under my eyes, my lips are pale and flaky. Of course, I'm not wearing any make-up at all. My roots are over an inch long and my hair needs a wash. I'm wearing one of J's tops which doesn't fit me. I look like the survivor of some kind of disaster. Shell-shocked but happy to be alive. Then I looked at Tobes in the photo. He's fast asleep and looks so clean and satisfied. He's wearing a perfectly clean white Tshirt and is wrapped in a little blanket. He's all pink and healthy and content.

I also remember something that I read just before Tobes was born. It kept running through my mind during those first few weeks. It was an article about torture techniques used in war. The first thing that torturers do is keep the prisoner awake so they have serious sleep deprivation. This induces a form of psychosis. Then they make constant, repetitive demands of the prisoner in order to wear them down and play regular high-pitched sounds which affect the prisoner's central nervous system. As I did my fifth load of laundry or washed my thousandth bottle in a day, leaning over the machine or sink because I was too exhausted to stand upright as Tobes (who was usually in his sling on my chest) screamed in my ear I often thought of those prisoners of war and mentally raised a hand in recognition of their sufferering.

The funny thing is that here I am, about to do it all again and this time with a three year old in tow too. Perhaps the sleep deprived psychosis hasn't worn off yet or perhaps it's just that look of plump sleepy satisfaction on Toby's newborn face that makes it all worth while.

Cupcake has a new hobby

It seems she's taken up kung fu. I sat on the couch last night and J and I watched my stomach jump and jerk and roll like a waterbed full of sea lions. She is one busy girl.

I'm getting bigger and bigger. Yesterday Ms Suki, Toby's teacher, asked when I'm due. When I told her I got the usual look of shock. It's funny though because I know I was bigger with Tobes and I don't think I'm that big. I guess people just forget how large women get when they're having a baby.

For our trip this weekend I dug out two maternity bathing suits that Kellie gave me. I never thought I would wear them but I'm looking forward to it. They're both two-piece and I think I'm going to look so funny. We'll definitely take some pics.

No new symptoms except that my dreams have become even more strange and intense. Last night I dreamt about a man wearing a jacket made of meat. I have been craving protein lately so I wonder if it's linked to that. Very weird.

8 weeks to go - eek!

Amazing how much shorter 8 weeks sounds than 9. I can't believe I have just 8 weeks of pregnancy left, probably for the rest of my life. It does make me a little sad. I've spent most of my life dreaming of being pregnant. As a little girl I loved my dolls but even more than that I loved stuffing a cushion under my shirt and walking around with one hand on back. I would even make up strange foods to eat 'for my cravings'.

When J and I were married we both wanted children but we wanted to wait until the time was right. One of my prerequisites was to wait until I wasn't just dreaming of being pregnant. I had to actually want a baby at the end of it and be able to see myself with a toddler and then a child. It took almost a decade of me saying that I desperately wanted to be pregnant but I wasn't ready for a baby. Finally I started getting dewey eyed over babies, toddlers and even the thought of smelly teenagers. We knew we were ready.

I love being pregnant. There are lots of hardships and I've not always had the easiest pregnancies but it's always been such a special time. I'm so much more body confident when I'm pregnant. I worry less about my bumps and bulges and just enjoy my roundness. I love my maternity clothes and cried when I boxed them up and put them away after Toby was born. Lord knows what it's going to be like when I actually give most of them away this time (got to keep at least some of them!). I feel really special when I'm pregnant, almost like a sacred being. The term 'sacred cow' comes to mind.

I know women have babies every day but it still feels like such a miracle, such a huge blessing. It's hard to think that I'll probably never got through it all again but two children feels like the right choice for us. Anyone need a surrogate?

Now that we're getting closer I thought it was time to set up a Baby Pool. It's at http://www.expectnet.com/game.php?babyid=1&tx=1125927007 and the name of our game is 'Cupcake'. Of course, we already know we're having a girl and the birthdate will be booked in a few weeks but she could always have her own ideas and arrive sooner. There's still a chance to guess her weight and length and time time of birth too.

Learned a new word

Macrosomic - the medical term for a 'big baby' which is any baby that weighs more than 8lbs 8oz. Tobes was macrosomic at 8lbs 10.5oz and it looks like Cupcake probably will be too. 8lbs 8oz doesn't seem that big to me. I know women who've had babies up to 11lbs. I wonder if there's another word for really big babies? Suggestions on a postcard please.

Feeling better

Feeling better than I did yesterday. I think having J back really helps. My depression-avoidance plan is also making a difference. Started the day with fresh juice and actually put on make-up. Makes such a difference to look in the mirror and not see the Crypt Keeper looking back.

I'm reading a really interesting book by Michel Odent called Cesarean. Odent has a very holistic approach to child birth and revolutionised the approach in France. He's also very philosophical, which I like a lot. In this book he covers the history of cesareans and the long-term effects of cesarean birth on the mother, the child and society as a whole. He talks about such things as the rate of cesarean in large cities in Brazil being as high as 85% because the women fear that if their vaginal muscles become too stretched their husbands will lose interest. The rate is just as high in Korea but for a very different reason. There it's believed that if a child is born on an auspicious date that it will benefit them their whole lives so parents like to choose the child's birthdate and schedule a cesarean to guarantee that he or she is born on that date. So interesting.

And speaking of birthdates, Mom rang at 9.00 this morning (yes, that makes it 3.00am in Texas. As I've said before, they have no set schedule at home.) to let me know that they've booked their tickets to come over!! They arrive on Halloween and leave two weeks later. With that in mind I hope to book the C-section for the 3rd or4th November. I was going to try for the first because it's Nikki's birthday and she and the baby will probably have the same middle name but I'd like to have a bit more time with Mom and Dad before the baby arrives. From what I've read in Odent's book it's also a good idea to plan the birth as close to the due date as possible. Sounds so strange to be planning such a thing.