Tomorrow

Well... tomorrow is the big day. Am I prepared? No. I've got my list of Things to Do which include packing the hospital bags, tidying up my bikini line for the cesarean, charging my phone, etc, etc. I wish I had a similiar list to prepare me mentally and emitionally but I guess with second babies you just don't get the same opportunities to meditate on the situation and the future. You just jump in with both feet and hope for the best.

So, tomorrow we jump and our lives will never be the same again.

Holy Moly - 4 days to go!

Wow. Cannot believe that the Girl will be here in four days. This pregnancy has flown by. So different from when I was expecting Tobes. It's been much harder in many ways but, because it's all happened in tandem with such a busy time of life, it seems like a lot of it has gone by without me noticing. I suddenly realised that we haven't done any video of me pregnant. We're hoping to make up for it this weekend but it seems amazing that at no time in the last nine months have we thought to document the pregnancy with a home movie.

Last night J and I started talking names again. Rosamund is still our favourite but we don't want to name her that just by default because we can't think of anything else. So we sat with baby name books last night and read names out to each other. Nothing really new was added to the list which currently includes: Matilda (Tilly), Madeleine (Maddy), Tessa (Tess), Cecilia (Cece) and of course Rosamund (Rosie). Rae is still the favourite middle name though Rose is a contender too. Hopefully we'll know as soon as we see her but we have about six weeks until we have to decide and register the name so there's still time.

If you ask Toby what his sister's name is he usually says Rosamund (which sounds like Wozaminn when he says it) or Rosie (Wosie) and sometimes he says Bubblegum.

The ring of fire

I woke up at 2am this morning and had to run to the loo only to discover that someone had taken all of my internal organs, placed them in a blender and hit puree until they turned into battery acid then poured them back into my stomach so that they could exit through my already sore backside. I swear that at one point my piles actually ignited for a few seconds. I was in agony.

Having Ghandi's Revenge is bad enough. Having it with raging piles, a bulging bump and a bad back is just plain torture. I spent an hour sitting in a bicarb bath last night trying to soothe my flaming backside. J came home while I was in the bath. He'd had an upset stomach all day too and when he saw me he said 'I know just how you feel. I'm going through the same thing.' I think I actually growled at him and I know I gave him a scary look because he immediately started backtracking with 'I mean as far as the curry goes.... your situation is obviously much, much worse.... can I do anything for you..' as he slowly backed out of the bathroom like a man trying to back out of a lion's cage.

I ended up nicking a pot of Toby's Sudocreme and briefly considered putting on one of his nappies before going back to bed. The nappy cream really helped (there's a tip for the future) and I managed to sleep through to 8am so I'm actually feeling pretty much OK this morning.

My mind has a funny way of working and there's always some kind of backing track playing in there. Often I'm not even aware of it and then I'll suddenly tune into the song running through my brain and it makes me laugh. At 2am it was the Billy Joel song We Didn't Start the Fire. I woke up this morning humming The Ring of Fire. Funny how the subconscious works.

Precursor to labour... or dodgy curry?

I've had a terrible upset stomach all day. I've been nauseous and even had the dry heaves. It felt like morning sickness had returned. I managed a small bowl of cereal this morning and that's been it all day. Well, except for the box of chocolates I had packed in my hospital bag. They were the only thing that sounded appetising. I 'shared' them with Toby, which means that he ate the majority of them. I do feel a little better now (and he's running around like a madman) but I'm still like a zombie. British Gas had to come out today to cap an old gas pipe and I didn't even offer the guys a cup of tea. Shock horror! That is the height of bad manners but I was so zonked that all I could do was sit on the couch, nod when they spoke to me and pray that they would be quick so that I could return to the sanctity of the loo.

Forgot to add

... that on top of the back problems my groin muscles are starting to go. I had the same thing with Toby so I'm not surprised. I do make a pretty picture though - bent over, walking sideways with one hand on my back and one gripping my crotch, a grimace on my face. It's probably a good thing that I can't leave the house right now.

8 days to go!

The countdown is well and truly on now. Eight days until Cupcake arrives. This morning we went and registered with the new doctor here in Blackheath. With Tobes I had lots of home visit after he was born and it was really nice. They would come to our flat to weigh Toby and check on me every few days during the first two weeks after he was born. Then the Health Visitor would come to answer any questions or worries that I had. I hope it's the same here.

I'm still feeling pretty rough. My back has improved but I'm still housebound. I can get around the flat and do small jobs like sort out a simple lunch and do some tidying. J has gone back to work today and Tobes and I have been fine so far. Thank goodness for DVDs. We got cozy on the couch and watched The Incredibles which was a nice chance to rest.

Cupcake has been very active. I keep looking for signs that she's on her way but my radar is all skewed with the back pain. I'm still having some show and very firm contractions most nights but nothing new. I do feel a bit woozy at times and have started going hot and cold but that could be the pain killers. I'm starting to think that she might just wait until the 1st now.

We (and by that I mean J) have been working hard on getting the flat sorted. It's all coming together for the most part and I'm making plans for when Mom and Dad are here. I've been organising a grocery order and J is setting up the thirs bedroom for them. I know the week is really going to fly by.

10 days to go!

The back isn't much better. Certainly not as improved as I hoped by the end of the week. I can move around the flat on my own but I'm still holding onto furniture and leaning on walls. Yesterday I had my antenatal check-up and I thought I would at least be able to walk from the carpark to the doctor's office... nope. Afterwards we went to Cafe Rouge for lunch. I just sat in one place the whole time and then stood by the curb, leaning on a post until J could bring the car around. I got more than a few funny looks and one guy even asked if I was OK.

So, the back is a worry. It has completely wiped out all thoughts of a natural birth. It hurts too much to blow my nose right now. I can't even imagine trying to push out a baby. They've said that the damage shouldn't cause problems with the spinal that I'll need for the cesarean but there's a small chance that I might have to have a general anaesthetic. I would really hate that. It would mean that J wouldn't be allowed in the operating theatre and I would be out cold so Cupcake would come into the world without either of us there to see her. There's just a small chance that it could happen that way and we won't know until the day so I'm trying not to think about it too much.

My greater concern is how I'm going to cope with this back pain, recovering from a cesarean and taking care of a new baby. My parents will be here and J will be off work so I'll have lots of practical help. It's more the bonding process and not being able to do everything that I'd like to do for Cupcake. I still need help getting out of bed so night time feedings are going to be interesting. I can't bend over to change a nappy but I hope I'll be able to pick her up. I guess it depends on how heavy she turns out to be. It really worries me though.

Now I'm just trying to follow doctor's orders and take it easy. The pain killers help the pain but they make me feel sick and sleepy so I've been taking a lot of naps. That's fine as long as it helps my back to heal. The flat is livable though there are still quite a few jobs outstanding. We're going to try to work through them as much as possible this weekend. Tobes and J have gone out to the movies today and I'm laying on the couch watching TV.

The antenatal check up was fine yesterday. In fact, they said that they don't need to see me again before the birth so that's it until 1 November. It's coming up so fast! Tobes and J are buying a Moses basket today and a box of formula to have on hand. I need to make sure the hospital bags are all organised and then we'll be ready.

Oops, I did it again

Put my back out, that is. Still no baby. I've been having some show every day since Thursday and then started having really bad back pains on Monday night. I thought it might be labour starting but no. After spending all day yesterday at the hospital, most of the time hooked up to a fetal monitor, it was concluded that I wasn't in labour but I have slipped a disc in my back. Oh joy.

We were sent home with some serious drugs and an even bigger truss and told that things should get better by the end of the week. It's very painful and complete torture because I can't do anything. I went to the loo by myself about half an hour ago and that felt like a huge accomplishment. We moved into the flat on Friday (hmm, moving house and a bad back. I wonder if the two things could be related?) and I'm dying to keep unpacking boxes, arranging bookshelves, and generally nesting like mad. Instead I've been sitting in the armchair doped up on codeine and thinking about all of the things I'd rather be doing. Grrrrr.

The thing that is really annoying is that I've been so careful with my back. I haven't lifted anything heavy or strained myself. The specialist yesterday said I probably slipped the disc when I hurt my back in August and just the extra stress and general activity of the move have knocked it out again. So frustrating.

On the positive side, I got to listen to Cupcake's heartbeat for most of the afternoon yesterday and she's doing really well. The codeine makes her a bit sleepy but they've assured me that it won't harm her. I have my regular antenatal check in the morning and I'm wondering if she's dropped down further.

OK, the drugs are kicking in and it's time to lie down. More soon!

Holy Cow! I just had a show!

Went to the loo and there it was. Cannot believe it's happened the night before we're moving. Ha ha ha ha ha!! That is just so typical of us. No symptoms of labour but we're on alert. According to What to Expect When You're Expecting labour could still be weeks away... or hours. We're surprisingly calm and excited. We both want to meet Cupcake now and everything else can just fall into place.

I really don't feel like I'm going to go into labour tonight but I've never experienced natural labour so who knows. Will try to keep the blog posted!

Antenatal check-up this morning

And everything looks fine. Cupcake is still 3/5 engaged so she hasn't dropped down any further but my bump is the same size as last week and I've lost 2lbs, which can be signs that labour is imminent. But that could mean still two weeks away. I think it just means that all is progressing well and Cupcake will be well and truly baked in time for the cesarean.

Ran a few errands after the appointment and felt like a celebrity. I'm at that stage where people feel free to ask when the baby is due without fear of me replying 'Baby? What baby?' (it takes MUCH longer to get to that stage in England than in Texas. I was asked about the baby more than once way back in May when were in the States.). People also feel comfortable patting my belly. I've had more than one elderly lady give me a pat at the grocery store. I know some women hate that but I don't mind. I think it's quite sweet. When I was pregnant with Tobes I described it as feeling like a lucky Buddha and everyone wants to pat my belly and make a wish. That's fine with me. When else in life will I get to feel like such a magical creature?

Less than three weeks to go

Just re-read yesterday's entry and found this little gem:

"My hormones must've been going highwire."

It's official. I'm turning into my mother. Of course, what I meant to say was that hormones must've been going haywire. Nikki, if you're going to tease me I don't blame you.

Mom does this all the time. Some of the time her word mix-ups and creative pronunciations have a kind of truth to them and sometimes they're just very funny. Favorites include:

living in 'swaller' instead of squalor
someone being 'o-beast' instead of obese

and because I'm virtually brain dead at the moment I can't think of any others apart from that old chestnut- 'Wal-mark' instead of Wal-mart. Can't wait til they get here. So often it's the things that drive me crazy that I miss the most.

But, back to baby stuff... less than three weeks to go. I've been keeping a close eye on my symptoms and it's all pointing to preparing for labour. I really don't think she'll come before 1 November but I can hope.

Now, I'm going to write a list of my symptoms here. If you're squeamish I recommend skipping this list and coming back another day.

1. Baby is dropping lower and lower. I'm going to the loo constantly feeling as if my bladder is so full that it's going to burst only to produce about a teaspoon of wee. It also feels like Cupcake could pop her little hand out and wave at us sometimes when she's squirming around.

2. Boobs have started leaking colostrum. At first just in the shower but now throughout the day. Only a little bit, thank goodness, but enough to have me checking my shirt when I pass a mirror.

3. Discharge has increased and thickened. I'm at the stage where every time I use the loo I'm looking for signs of a show. If you don't know what a show is, just be happy in your ignorance.

4. Cupcake started dropping a few weeks ago and I felt like I could breath again but she's now grown so much that she's pressing into my lungs and I've gone back to sleeping upright. Otherwise I can't breathe properly and it feels like I'm drowning.

5. I've gained all of the recommended weight for this pregnancy already and have hit the almighty 84k mark. That's about 185lbs. Cupcake will be putting on about half a pound a week now so I'll probably get up to about 187lbs before she arrives. That's fine with me, I just hate the thought of trying to lose it all afterwards.

6. Braxton Hicks contractions are getting stronger and more consistent. They're also reaching into my back and now just across my belly now.

7. Belly has reached remarkable proportions. J comes home every night and says I look bigger than the day before. I think Cupcake is really packing on the weight now. I'm still not swelling up or retaining water (touch wood) and can even wear my wedding ring, but the belly is becoming ominously large.

Insanity sets in

Feeling a bit calmer today. J did make it home in time to bathe Tobes and put him to bed last night which made a big difference. I was able to get something together for dinner and get to bed at a decent hour. Eating well makes such a difference to how I feel but it can be so hard to find the time and energy to prepare anything. Feeling much better today.

Yesterday was a nightmare. My hormones must've been going highwire. I suddenly decided that it would be a great idea to paint the new changing table and while I was at it I might as well paint Toby's little table and chairs too. I managed to drag everything out on to the patio, gave Tobes his own paintbrush and a pot of white paint and we were off. I was barely halfway through one side of the changing table when I suddenly woke up and thought 'What the hell am I doing?!' I looked over at Tobes and he was already covered in paint. We had been out there a total of five minutes and I had paint in my hair and all over my clothes. So much of Tobes was now white that he resembled an albino.

Then I looked at the paint I had chosen - white gloss paint that must be at least two years old. I had to break through a thick skin of dried paint at the top of the can to get to anything remotely usable. It will be a miracle if this paint dries.

I did almost the exact same thing when I was pregnant with Tobes. When I went out to the garden shed yesterday I saw the evidence of my former insanity - a half painted set of bookshelves. I touched them and yes, three years later, they're still sticky to the touch. You'd think I might learn from my mistakes.

After the painting fiasco is when I called J to let him know that his wife was having a nervous breakdown. We argued and after I hung up I started crying and couldn't stop. The laundry guy came to deliver our laundry and I cried in gratitude. Wyle E Coyote couldn't catch the Roadrunner and I cried at his frustration. Toby said in the sweetest voice 'What's the matter, Mama?' and I cried even harder. Then he brought me a fruit stick to 'make you better' and announced that 'we are sharing' before he ate it for me. And I cried over his funny little ways.

Tears, tears and more tears. The joys of pregnancy.

Freaking out... again

Terrible time. So heavy and getting miserable with the pregnancy plus all the stress of moving. My biggest nightmare, the thing I find the hardest to deal with, is being debilitated. I hate being unable to do the things I want and/or need to do. Right now is one of those times. There are a million things to be done for the move, the baby, for Toby, just life in general and I'm so big and tired and physically incapable and it's driving me mad.

Even something simple like giving Tobes his bath is difficult. I bought a step so he could get in and out of the bath on his own but it's so uncomfortable to lean over the bath and the energy it takes to get him in the bath, washed, out, in his jammies and finally into bed is almost more than I can deal with. Many days it is more than I can deal with. J works so late that he can't do it and when I rang him just now to see if he could come home a bit earlier and bathe Tobes we ended up having an argument. I feel even worse now than I did before I asked for help.

J is under a ton of stress at work as well as all the moving stuff and the imminent birth of Cupcake. He's doing the best he can but the thing I need the most, for him to be home more, is something that he just can't do. He's taken some time off and having him around for the odd extra day is nice but I need regular, reliable help. I need to know that he can be home by a certain time every night so that I can depend on him to help with the night time routine or make our dinner. So often by the time he gets home the day is basically finished and I'm ready to sleep.

I keep hearing that it actually gets easier once the baby is born. At least then I'll be more physically capable of getting things done. At the moment I feel like a virtual invalid. I even put off using the bathroom because I can't face the stairs. I get out of breath just changing position and I'm having stronger and more painful Braxton Hicks contractions every day. I thought I was going to have to pull over this morning because the pains were getting so bad. I seriously hope this baby comes soon. I'm so ready to just get past the pregnancy phase and get on with things. With that in mind I'm buying some raspberry leag tea and fresh pineapple. Apparently, they're both recommended to bring on labour.

What do you think of this?

We're trying to decide between a Moses basket and stand for Cupcake or one of these - Eco-crib.

I really like the idea of the eco-crib and it would be convenient for travelling over the holidays because it packs flat. Also very nice that we could just put it in the recycling box when we're done with it or store it in a cupboard for when we have guests with small babies. I'm just not sure about the whole 'baby sleeping in a cardboard box' thing. Am I just being silly?

3/5 engaged

Went for my antenatal check up this morning and Cupcake is now 3/5 engaged. That seems like a nice, steady descent. I'm thinking I'll probably go into labour next Thursday night, you know the night before we move. That might spice things up a bit. Good lord, can you imagine?!

Everything else was fine. The bump is the 'perfect' size and Cupcake's heartrate was excellent. Now, the waiting continues.

The one thing that was a bit shocking this morning was my care. At my last antenatal appointment two weeks ago I saw a substitute midwife because the usual midwife was off sick. When I went in for my check up yesterday they didn't have my appointment down so I had to see a GP today. That was fine but then when I went to schedule my next midwife appointment I was told that she was booked for the next three weeks! I could have the baby by then. Not great.

Thank goodness I'm not a frantic first-time Mom. I think I would've burst into tears at the reception desk. Being 35 weeks pregnant and told that you can't see the midwife for three weeks - I am not impressed. At this stage of the pregnancy I'm supposed to be having antenatal appointments every week so I've been booked in to see the GP again next week. It's with Dr Khalil, who is really excellent, so I'm not concerned but I'm sure the situation would be distressing for a lot of women. Your midwife becomes your touchstone in pregnancy and their reassurance is so important. Feeling like a number that has somehow slipped through the net isn't a nice feeling at any time but especially not when you're weeks away from giving birth.

4 weeks to go

In less than a month our little girl will be here. She may arrive to two already exhausted parents, a flat that smells of fresh paint and a maladjusted big brother, but she'll be here!

J and I are still talking about names and a new one entered the mix over the weekend - Tessa. We both like Tessa, Tess and Tessie so who knows. Toby & Tessa is a bit too cute but I'm going to try to not let that put me off if she comes out looking like a Tessa. I think Tessa Rae works too so the middle name could stay the same. Rosamund is still the top favourite but we're keeping an open mind until we meet Cupcake.

I started my antenatal classes yesterday and it was great. I'm doing a refresher course rather than the regular classes so all the Moms in my group have at least one other child at home and we've all been through pregnancy and birth before. It's a nice mix of ladies and the midwife running the class is really nice too. She specialises in water births which sound wonderful but are, unfortunately, not suitable for me because of the previous cesarean. I have resolved my issues with the scheduled C-section and am now looking forward to just meeting Cupcake.

There's one other lady in my class with a scheduled cesarean so I didn't feel like an outsider. All of the other previous cesareans are all trying for a VBAC. I guess if I had a real urge to have a vaginal birth I would attempt it too but I just don't have that need. I think I've felt a little guilty about not feeling a need to birth naturally but I've made my peace with it and now it's time to move on. There are plenty of other things to worry about!

In preparation for Cupcake's arrival I've been buying all of the last minute stuff. I ordered the changing table today and got the steriliser and a few other things last week. Barry & Brenda are going to buy the moses basket which we should organise fairly soon. I've already bought the bedding for it and I've got a pile of Cupcake's laundry that I need to do before she gets here. If she's anything like Tobes she'll have very sensitive skin so everything has to be washed in special detergent.

All that's left is the formula (just in case) and some storage baskets for the changing table. Then we'll be ready for her... once we move house and unpack all two thousand boxes of course.