So tired

Saw an ad today for one of those electric ride-on chairs they make for elderly people and was very tempted to order one. I'm so tired all the time but there's so much I want to do. Tobes and went out to Bluewater today and within half an hour I was using the stroller like a zimmer frame, schlepping through the mall. I'm yawning now as I type and it's 5.15pm!

I guess with Tobes I could sleep when I was tired so when I was awake I had more energy. Toby determines my waking and sleeping now so it's very different. Thank goodness J is coming home early tonight. He can bathe Tobes and throw something together for dinner. He might even need to pry open my mouth and wiggle it up and down for me because I'm not sure I'll have the energy to chew. But I'll definitely want to eat!

I'm so glad I have J and I'm so glad that he's as sweet as he is. My own mother often feels sorry for J because he has to live with me. A few summers ago we had record highs in England. Imagine 100 degrees with no air conditioning. I was miserable and I remember talking to Mom on the phone and telling her how unbearable it was. She said, 'Oh baby..... I feel sorry for J having to put up with you in that heat.'

Well, I do agree that he can be very kind. We've been fairly lucky this pregnancy though. My insanity and irrationality has been at a minimum. With Tobes I was shouting one minute and laughing the next then bursting into tears. I was also convinced that our next door neighbor was a serial killer... but that's another story. Well, our luck ran out a few nights ago and I had a 'spell'. I've been desperately trying to settle on a list of possible names for the baby and it's driving me crazy. So many of our choices are seen as very strange or just plain ugly. I decided that because I couldn't come up with any suitable names it meant that I was a bad mother and that I would never love this baby as much as I loved Toby... because we chose his name quite easily.

Now, in the calm light of day I can see that the ability to name a child is not necessarily a reflection of the love, or lack of it, felt for that child. I could not see that the other night and proceeded to cry my eyes out with snot streaming, hiccups and all. I think I must've had a new batch of hormones because I was brought to tears the following day by an episode of Home Improvement.

Now, I'm just very, very tired. I've started having Braxton Hicks contractions which seems a little early to me. I do wonder if I'm going to go to the trouble of booking a C-section and then Cupcake is going to have different ideas and arrive early.

The wind still blows

Tobes and I were lying in bed this morning when, once again, I cut the cheese. Toby almost jumped out of skin and then made me laugh by saying, 'Mommy, you fart and it make me jump. I thought it was a monster.'

Baby Names

I finished the Oxford Book of Names last night and J and I sat down with a list, crossing off names and circling our favourites. Our taste in names is definitely old-fashioned, if not downright antique. I have a feeling we'll give Cupcake a first name that is slightly challenging but we plan to balance it out with an easy middle name. That way she'll have some flexibility as she becomes her own person and can use her middle name if need be.

Now I'm going to finish The Baby Name Wizard, which is an American book, and then we'll put the lists together and see what we've got. Any suggestions? Do send them our way. Toby was called Thomas for most of the pregnancy and then we suddenly started talking about 'Toby' and 'Tobias'. We didn't decide until Tobes was born, so anything can happen.

Poor Jason

Last night I rolled over in bed and cut the cheese with such depth and duration that it sounded as if someone had started up a chainsaw. I thought J was fast asleep but I saw his silhouette as he raised his head and I could feel his glare of disgust through the darkness. I did what any woman with any sense would do in such a situation - made pretend snoring noises. I'm not responsible for my actions when I'm fast asleep.

Unfortunately, I then got the giggles which foiled my brilliant plan to some extent.

Halfway there

As of yesterday I am officially half way through the pregnancy. Whew! So glad to get to this point. I still don't think it's really sunk in yet that I'm having another baby. Every once in a while I'll try to cross my arms and think 'what's that?!... oh yea, it's my belly'. Then yesterday I was stressing over Toby's school stuff and getting him registered for kindergarten in November this year rather than next. I kept thinking that something else was happening in November. Hmmm, let's see. What could that be? Oh yes, I'm having a baby. That's it.

Cupcake is making her presence felt more and more though. If I squat down to put Toby's shoes on she gives me a good kick and when I lay down at night that's her time to boogie. She's still more calm than Toby was at this stage but she's an active little thing.

I'm having more symptoms now too and I keep remembering ways that I learned to cope first time around. For instance, Cupcake is sitting right on my bladder so I have to wee more often but half the time I use the loo and then five minutes later she shifts her position and I need to go again. I suddenly remembered that someone (Annelouise?) had told me to rock back and forth while sitting on the loo so that I could move the baby around and totally empty my bladder. What a great tip! It totally works for me. Lovely image to send out into the world but defintely a tip worth sharing.

Today I was walking down the street and a lady stopped in front of me and lifted the tiniest baby out of a pram. She was the sweetest little thing, all dressed in pink with a head full of dark hair (the baby, not the lady). It really hit me that in a few months I'm going to have one of those! I'm so excited about having a baby again. Those first few weeks are one of my favourite times of babyhood. Those teeny, tiny toes and cries that sound like a little cat and that feeling of falling so helplessly in love. I can't wait.

My first little love has just come over to show me how he can throw his ball into the air. It's so hot that he's wearing nothing but a diaper. He was just eating pasta and he has tomato sauce all around his mouth and dripping down his chest onto his stomach. I guess all of childhood is pretty gorgeous. I think it's bath time.

What the heck does that mean??

Just remembered! I had my first nightmare about the pregnancy last night. I had quite a few when I was pregnant with Tobes, the worst one being that he came out a full grown man. I must credit Anne Rice with that little bit of horror. I'm sure The Witching Hour was a contributing factor.

My dream last night was that Cupcake was kicking and I was watching her make shapes out of my belly when she suddenly pushed a little too hard and a tiny foot ripped through my stomach! Then she did it again with a hand. J needed to rush me to the emergency room so they could sew up the holes but I couldn't find my slippers and didn't want to leave the house without them. Then, I remembered that I didn't have any slippers and had to wear J's trainers with my pajamas to the hospital. My big fear was that Cupcake was going to just claw her way out.

The weirdest thing about the dream was that at first J and I were both very calm and were rubbing Cupcake's feet and holding her tiny hands but Tobes was the sensible one and was totally freaked out by the situation.

No idea what that all means. Maybe, with all the moving stuff, I'm concerned about not being prepared for the birth or I have some fears about another C-section. Whatever it means, I thought it would be something that Cupcake would find funny if she decides to have children of her own one day.

Nekkid pictures

I'm going to book my pregnancy portrait soon. I spoke to the photographer and just need to set the date now. I think I'm going to aim for early September when I'll be quite big but not quite that 'Oh my God, she's about to blow!' size yet.

Still haven't decided how I want to pose - to be naked or not to be naked. I think I would like to cover certain parts of my body. If this pregnancy goes the same way as Toby's then I'll have so many stretchmarks on my thighs by then that I'll look like I've been clawed by a wild animal. No need to save that image for posterity.

I've been scouring the internet for ideas but do not, whatever you do, type the words 'images of pregnant women' into a search engine. There are some very strange people out there.

Saw the midwife!

Finally got a hospital appointment and saw a midwife yesterday. I'm so relieved to have begun the process and it makes the pregnancy so much more real. This was my booking-in appointment where they take lots of background info and set up my file for the birth. There were loads of questions. Some of them made me laugh, like 'Is your husband the father of the baby?' I guess they want to be prepared if the baby comes out a different colour to Daddy.

There were quite a few questions that had a box marked Confidential next to them. Like the pregnancy history. After each pregnancy it asked 'Is this a confidential pregnancy?'. I thought that was very understanding and comprehensive of them. I suppose there are women who've had abortions or given children up for adoption in their teens and haven't told their partners. Better that the docs and midwives know rather than trying to keep it a secret from them too.

I was telling J about it when I got home and his response was 'Does it happen that often that they need a box to tick on a standard form?!' I guess maybe it does.

But, back to the baby. We got all the paperwork done and then we listened to the baby's heartbeat. It was about 157bpm, which the midwife said was right for a girl. Their hearts tend to beat faster. Tobes was enthralled. He said 'That's my baby'.

Then I gave samples of virtually all of my bodily fluids and made appointments for my next ultrasound and midwife appointments. We also talked about parentcraft classes but they were on Monday mornings which would be difficult for me with Tobes. I'm going to try to find one during his school hours because I'd really like to go. It's the best way to meet other Moms and I don't want to miss that opportunity.

So things are going well. I'm putting together a big list of names as we approach the halfway point of the pregnancy. I'm feeling pretty good. The dizziness has lessened and I have more energy, which is great.

I read an update about Cupcake's size at this stage and apparently her head is about the size of a lightbulb and her feet are about an inch long. So cute! She can do wonders with those tiny feet though as more than once she's kicked so hard it shocked me. My dreams of a calm child are slowly dissolving. Looks like we're going to have another jumping bean.

Watching baby shows this morning

Tobes is at school so I've been eating chocolate and watching birth shows on the Discovery Channel. Very reassuring to see a lady with three children under two plus triplets on the way and she still seems relatively sane. I'm worried about coping with two. Can you imagine six?! And three of them being newborns. Total respect to that lady. I wouldn't even contemplate it.

Though... at Cafe Rouge on Sunday I felt the sudden need to broach the 'third baby' subject with J. His response - Absolutely. I immediately felt the need to jump back over to the 'just two babies' side of the argument but it was interesting to know that we both MIGHT be open to the idea some time in the distant future. We both agreed that if we had a third child we would want to wait almost as long as biologically possible and have the baby in my 40s. Having them all together would cause that middle child situation whereas we both felt that a big gap would be better. My thought is that, knowing me, as I edge towards menopause I'll want to have just one more baby while I still can.

Who knows, a lot can change between now and then but we are going to put the vasectomy on hold for the time being.

ZZZzzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzz

Woke up at 7.30 with Tobes yesterday. I get to sleep late on Saturdays and J gets to on Sundays. Tobes and I were standing in the kitchen doing our daily routine where I read out the contents of the cupboard and fridge. The conversation usually goes something like this:

K: So what would you like for breakfast?

T: Ummmm, chocolate.

K: We're not having chocolate. How about some cereal and fruit?

T: No. How about biscuits? [by which he means cookies]

K: We're not having biscuits. Porridge?

T: No.

K: Toast?

T: No.

K: Scrambled egg?

T: No.

K: OK, well why don't we just go back to bed because there's nothing to eat for breakfast...

T: Porridge!! Porridge!!

I swear, when Cupcake gets bigger I'm just going to type up menus.

Well, we'd barely started the routine on Sunday when things started to go black around the edges and I found myself clinging to the countertop. Toby's request for porridge was denied. I couldn't trust myself to stand in front of a hot stove. Luckily, he seemed quite happy with the croissants and chocolate chip brioche I offered instead.

I had some breakfast and then lay down on the couch, keeping a dozy eye on Toby until J came downstairs. Then I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 2.00! I was so tired. I attribute this to the low blood pressure and the pregnancy in general. I'm trying to stay away from the couch today because I know the same thing could happen again.

I did feel better after a sleep and we had a nice afternoon. I've been nesting a bit since we got back from the States and did a lot of cooking this weekend. I really want good food right now and I enjoy pottering around the kitchen and finding new recipes. I did roast chicken on Saturday and then made a chicken pie with the leftovers on Sunday. I had bought the ingredients for kedgeree too but we were so full from the pie that I've saved the kedgeree for today.

I also made a big bowl of Barbados cream. It's equal parts of double cream and Greek yoghurt whipped together then spread in a shallow bowl with a carpet of brown sugar on top. You keep it in the fridge overnight and then I like to serve it with fresh fruit. It is gorgeous. I bought cherries, blueberries and some really nice English strawberries and it was fantastic. In fact, over the last three days I ate the whole bowl. It's very rich and J didn't fancy it, Tobes wouldn't even try it, so I scoffed the lot. One of the great beauties of pregnancy is being able to eat a whole bowl of double cream without a flicker of remorse.

So that's why I've been so dizzy

“Blood pressure can vary over a wide range. For instance, the top pressure when the heart contracts (systolic) can vary from 80 to 250 mmHg and the bottom pressure when the heart relaxes (diastolic) can vary from 40 to 160 mmHg.”

Feeling good except for a lot of dizziness and light headedness. Went to the doc yesterday to talk about it and ask AGAIN why I’ve yet to hear from a midwife. Aside from the 12 week ultrasound and the appointments I’ve made myself to request that my blood pressure and urine be checked, I’ve had no prenatal care. I’m over 17 weeks now and starting to get a bit cheesed off with this local authority. It’s about time I had my booking-in appointment with the hospital and started seeing a midwife. I want to discuss the possibility of an elective C-section (my preferred option) and start talking dates so I can let Mom and Dad know so they can start looking into tickets and booking holiday time.

Thankfully I do feel Cupcake move regularly now so I’m not too worried about hearing her heartbeat but I would like to know that everything is definitely OK. My other concern is that I want to have the AFP blood test to check for abnormalities and I know you have to have it done by the end of the 18th week. I was told that since I had the nuchal scan I wouldn’t need the blood test. When I protested that the nuchal scan only checked for Down’s Syndrome and the AFP checked for other problems as well the doctor said that any other problems would be picked up at my 22 week ultrasound. That’s five weeks away! National Health does not cope well with impatient people like me.

I also think about those people who would choose to end a pregnancy if there was a serious birth defect. Surely it would be better for them to end it at 17 weeks when they can still have a termination rather than at 22 weeks when it would be necessary to induce labour. To be a bit coarse about it, it would cost the NHS less for a termination than an induced labour too and the NHS is always trying to save money. Just doesn’t make sense to me to wait, but then it rarely makes sense to me to wait.

But, going back to my dizziness (and I mean the almost fainting variety, not the putting my keys in the freezer type), it’s due to low blood pressure. My blood pressure on Wednesday was 99/40. I think I would almost have to be dead for it to be any lower, but there’s no cause for concern. Apparently low blood pressure in the second trimester is completely normal and it will start to go up again in about three months. I do remember having dizzy spells with Toby but this time is different. It’s almost constant which is annoying. Nothing I can do about it except eat regularly, drink lots of fluids and rest with my feet up as much as possible. Ah well, life is hard sometimes.