Our baby girl

Images from our 3D ultrasound. My favourite is the one where Cupcake is resting her head on the placenta. The placenta has it's own pulse and I wonder if she likes that vibration. She snuggled up to it a couple of times. One of the 2D images is of her big foot!

Had our 3D ultrasound today

It was amazing! We got a really good look at Cupcake. We saw her face and watched her make different expressions. We saw her chubby cheeks, her long neck, her button nose, her looong legs, her tiny bottom and her fingers and toes. We actually saw her yawn twice which was adorable. At one point we asked Tobes to talk to her and she threw her legs in the air and started turning towards his voice. It was just incredible.

J thinks she looks like my sister and I think she looks a lot like Toby but she has a little heart-shaped face with chubbier cheeks. She does look more feminine than Toby, but that could be because we already know that she's a girl. We saw her bottom and there are definitely no boy bits there.

I've got a few still images that I'm planning to post but haven't had a chance to sort them out yet. Toby's birthday party is on Sunday and we've got a friend's BBQ tomorrow so we're busy, busy, busy.

After seeing Cupcake today we both agreed that our favourite name is still our favourite so I'm going to share it with you now. We're probably 97% sure that this is The Name but we're going to hold back a little just in case we change our minds sometime in the next three months and we'll continue to refer to the baby as Cupcake for now.

Our favourite name is Rosamund Rae and we plan to call her Rosie or even Rosie Rae in Texas. J's Mum and her sisters all have flower middle names and we liked the idea of continuing that tradition. J's Mum's middle name is a derivative of Rose - Rosina. So another Rose-based name was appealing. Rosamund is an old English name that means 'rose of the world' and I like that because she'll be an English rose but the yellow rose of Texas will hopefully have a special place in her heart too. Rae is my mother and sister's middle name, so Cupcake will have a little bit of both her grandmothers and her American aunt in her name.

I also wanted something that doubled up Southern style. I'm Katherine JoAnn but was called Kathy Jo as a child. My sister is Nikki Rae, my brother is Jon Nealey, etc, etc. Toby's name is Tobias John but he can be called Toby John in Texas. These little traditions mean a lot.

OK, must get some chores done. There are cupcakes to bake and jello to make for the party plus a lot of tidying to do.

Antenatal yoga last night

At last week's class we talked about feeling the baby's movements. One of the girls, Emily, realised that she couldn't remember feeling her baby move that day. After class she called her mother and they went to the hospital. She was told that her baby had died. She was 27 weeks into the pregnancy and therefore had to be induced and gave birth to her little boy the following day. They've named him and will hold a service for the baby next week. They've yet to determine why this has happened.

You can imagine the shock and tears at class last night. All of us feeling awful for Emily and, at the same time, desperately hoping we never have to face the same fate. I can't imagine how Emily must be feeling. I know I lost babies last year but in a way they were both more like dreams than reality. I never knew if they were boys or girls, never felt them kick and never saw their faces. It must be completely different to give birth to a fully formed baby, to go through the pain and anguish of labour but knowing that you'll never hear that child cry, never see them smile. I hope she took the opportunity for lots of kisses and cuddles and a chance to say goodbye.

Thought I would entertain you

With some excerpts from my birth lists with Tobes. I say birth lists because I didn't just make a Birth Plan. Oh no. I need my lists and I had lists for everything - a Birth Plan, a list of things for during labour, a hospital list for me after labour, a hospital list for Toby's stuff, a list of things for J to remember while I was in labour, a list of things for J to do while I was in the hospital, etc, etc. The great thing is that I've kept them all and some of it makes very funny reading.

The best bits are from my List for J While in Labour. It has things like:

Remind me to breathe slowly and deeply.
Encourage me to remain upright.
Rub my back, shoulders, feet, etc to help me relax.
Help me stay calm and focused.
Help me find comfortable positions to labour.
Communicate any needs to the midwives, doctors, etc.

All sounds pretty normal. I was going for an active birth and thought that I would have Tobes while either standing or squatting, which is probably exactly what would've happened if things had progressed normally. The bit that's funny is at the end where I have the following:

Encouraging phrases:
‘Let yourself open up’
‘Try to relax into it’
‘Drop your shoulders and let them relax’
‘Think of waves rushing in and crashing on the beach’ (for contractions)

Relaxing images:
Snorkeling in Barbados
Floating in the sea

Probably sounds reasonable unless you happened to see me in labour. Thank God, only J had that special joy. Whenever he tried to use one of my suggested 'encouraging phrases' I would end up screaming 'SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'. For some reason he persisted in telling me to relax my shoulders until I finally said in a very quiet, calm voice 'Don't ever f***ing say that to me again'. He didn't say it again.

The other thing I did in preparation for labour with Tobes was prepare a tape of soothing music. I included things like James Taylor, the Eagles and some Billy Joel. Now I know that AC/DC would have been much more appropriate. I didn't want music to calm me down. I wanted music to rev me up, to match my mood. I remember reading one birth story where the woman sang Meatloaf's 'Bat Out of Hell' at top volume through her contractions. She said it had the perfect rhythm. I can totally understand that.

The thing that helped me the most was breathing and swaying through the contractions. Just standing at the side of the bed, holding on to a pile of pillows and almost dancing through the pain.

Of course, this time will be very different. I'm still planning on the elective C-section but will that keep me from my list-making? No way! I've already started my hospital packing lists for both me and Cupcake and I've started a list for whoever is staying with Tobes while J and I are at the hospital with Toby's schedule, favourite foods, etc. Maybe you think I sound incredibly organised but the truth is that if I didn't make my lists I would forget everything and nothing would get accomplished.

My first scare

Had my first scare yesterday. I was sitting on the sofa when I suddenly felt a terrible pain in my lower belly. It was almost unbearable and I thought I was either going to pass out or throw up. Thankfully, neither happened and after a few seconds the pain started to go away. I thought it was just a bad muscle cramp but I was frightened and wanted to rule out anything more serious. If it was a muscle cramp, it was the worst one I've ever experienced.

I called NHS Direct and they recommended I call my Labour Ward, so I did. They asked me to come in to be checked out. I had a scare when I was pregnant with Tobes and had to go to the delivery ward. It was the middle of the night and J grabbed his wallet and we were out the door within minutes. Bit different this time. It was about 5.30 and J was working late so I had to consider Tobes. In the end I rang J and he said he would come home. So Toby finished his dinner then we drove to the train station to pick up J and J drove me to the hospital. They dropped me off at the door and J took Toby home to get ready for bed.

Very strange to be in the hospital on my own. If I had thought anything was seriously wrong I would've asked J to stay with me. He wanted to stay anyway but I knew Toby was tired and it would be hard on all of us to have him there. I went prepared with a book, a bottle of water and a bar of chocolate. I know these things can take time and I wouldn't be a priority compared to the women who were actually in labour.

I was examined, they listened to Cupcake's heartbeat, took a urine sample and decided it probably was just a muscle spasm and I was sent home with orders to take a blood test this morning and see the midwife on Monday. I think in the end they were more interested in Cupcake's size and they're checking me for signs of gestational diabetes. I really don't think I have it. I just seem to have big babies. I went through the same thing with Toby. In fact, it was like deja vu. Everyone who examined me said with surprise 'How many weeks are you?! You've got a big baby!' and my uterus measured about two weeks ahead in size, same as with Tobes.

So, we're fine. Just being careful. I did my blood test this morning and will get the results on Monday. I really think everything is OK though.

Pics at last

But in the wrong place. I've posted some of Cupcake's ultrasound images but mistakenly put them in K's Blog. You can click on the link in the table on the right to see them. Got to work on my settings!

Breakdown #2

Had another crying fit last night. This time I cried so hard I was hoarse afterwards and this morning my eyes were so puffy I looked like Rocky after a few rounds with Mr T.

Had a very stressful day. It was really hot yesterday and, even first thing in the morning, I was feeling the effects of it. My blood pressure is still making me feel woozy and when it's hot it's even worse. Tobes and I were scheduled to go to an Open Day at a primary school in Blackheath (more on that in K's Blog) and I was dreading the journey in our car which doesn't have AC. I came very close to cancelling but I wasn't sure I would get the chance to see the school again before I had to start registering Tobes so we went.

Tobes hates the heat as much as I do and I know this is some curse from my Mom for all the whining I did about being hot in Texas. Tobes kept up a consistent whine the whole drive to Blackheath then refused to get out of the car unless I carried him. Five months pregnant, low blood pressure, 85 degrees, 40 pound child.... not going to happen. So I had to use every last ounce of patience to talk him out of the car. Then we had our visit to the school and I was ready to go home.

I had planned for Tobes and I to go into Blackheath village and get a Frappucino for the drive home but I felt so hot and tired that I suggested we just go straight home. The thought of parking, getting out of the car, waiting in line, getting Tobes back into his car seat all just sounded too much like hard work. I told Tobes we were just going home and all hell broke loose. He wanted his ICE DRINK. I couldn't really blame him because it was bloody hot and I had said we would get Frappucinos so I turned the car around and we headed into the village.

Little did I know that the village was in chaos. They were resurfacing the roads and the few streets that were open had very little parking. Tobes and I drove right past the Starbucks with him screaming all the way. I thought I would try to circle back and find a place to park but, after an hour and a long detour through Greenwich I gave up. Thankfully Toby passed out somewhere around the Cutty Sark so I had some peace but it was so hot and I felt so sick and dizzy that I ended up in tears. I wanted to pull over but there was no where to go. I had all the windows down to try to get some air into the car which meant that I had no privacy and I saw more than one driver give me a funny look as we sat side by side in parking lot traffic.

We finally made it home and Tobes continued his ranting. All I wanted to do was sit down with a cold drink and put my feet up for a few minutes but it never happened. Tobes whined and cried and made the whole day absolute hell. The heat and the nap left him incredibly cranky and nothing I did was right.

Finally bedtime arrived. Peace... or so I thought. Because Tobes had slept in the car, he wasn't the least bit interested in going to bed. J was working late so I was on my own. By the time J got home it was 9.30, Tobes was still awake and I was a nervous wreck. I started out by shouting and ended up in a heap. Tears and snot all over the place.

The day was just too much. Take away one of the negatives - the heat, my blood pressure, the roadworks in Blackheath - and it probably would've worked out. I just seem to be constantly on the edge emotionally. One little push and..... wahhhhhhhh!!

Things I'm worried about right now:

• Finding a good primary school for Tobes (and I thought my worries over his education would get a break now that I've found a preschool!)
• Toby's heart - still waiting to hear from the specialist. Bloody NHS.
• The move - clearing out stuff here, decorating there, unpacking, etc, etc
• Toby's birthday party - coming up fast. Have to get my butt in gear.
• My own health - feel so crap so much of the time yet there's no time to rest.
• My choice of birth - leaning towards C-section but strange sense of guilt is creeping in. Must be the yoga.
• Baby stuff - what do we have, what do we need, what can I do without

And I know there are other things but I'm too tired to think of them right now. I've spent today trying to make lists of all the things that need to be done and it does help. I'm so scatterbrained lately that I always feel as if I'm forgetting something. I even made my list of things to take to the hospital. I used my list for Tobes as a starting point and couldn't help but laugh at some of my past naiveity. Will have to entertain you with excerpts another day.

Also still trying to get some photos sorted out to post but that seems to be at the bottom of the list right now. It will happen one day!

BIg day yesterday

We had our 23 week ultrasound yesterday and everything looks great. All major organs and limbs present and correct. We got a really good look at Cupcake's face when they were checking for a cleft palate. We saw her open and close her mouth and suck her thumb. She already looks different to Toby and she's started to fatten up since we last saw her at 16 weeks. Her cheeks are getting nice and chubby.

We had two surprises. One is that it looks like Cupcake is not going to be the medium-sized baby that I was expecting. In fact, some of her measurements are so large that I'm going to have another ultrasound at 32 weeks to double check her size. Nothing to worry about, just looks like another big baby. Her largest measurement was her thigh bone which was in the 95th percentile. Tobes was literally off the charts at this stage so I think she'll still be smaller than he was, but she's going to give him a run for his money.

The second surprise was that my calm, sweet little girl isn't quite as calm as I thought. She was wiggling all over the place during the scan and pushing back against the ultrasound sensor. Still not the jumping bean that Toby was. He actually kicked the sensor off my belly at his 20 week ultrasound, but she's more spunky than I thought. I think J said it best when he described her as being energetic but with composure and forethought. Tobes is like the Tasmanian Devil, spinning around like a whirlwind, but it looks like Cupcake is more of a thinker. When they were trying to check her for a cleft palate she obviously didn't like the pressure on her face but instead of lashing out or moving away she put both arms in front of her face and refused the move them. They had to give up and check again later.

Now, I know I'm putting a great deal of meaning into a few movements on an ultrasound but I do believe that babies develop their personalities in the womb. Tobes was always incredibly energetic and reacted to children's voices and certain kinds of music. He's still very energetic, sociable and loves the same kind of music so I do think you can tell a bit about your babies before they're even born. So far, Cupcake doesn't seem to care much for music but she goes nuts when she hears Toby's voice and she's more of a stretcher than a kicker.

Last night I started antenatal yoga. It's all a bit earth-mothery for me with a lot of talk about being goddesses, making a universe in your womb, etc, etc but I love the actual stretching. I slept better last night than I have in months and woke up without the usual stiffness and soreness I've been having. I'll definitely keep doing it and I'm even going to order a birthing ball today to sit on so I can keep my pelvis 'loose'. I had sciatica with Tobes and I'd like to avoid that again if possible.

The only issue with the yoga is that they're already encouraging me to try for a vaginal birth rather than a C-section. We had in independent midwife give a talk last night after class and I asked her about the chances of success and the risks. I'm pretty set on a C-section but I want to keep an open mind. She said I had about a 75% chance of a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but the major risk was the chance of my existing scar rupturing. Does not sound pleasant.

I think I'll do some more reading but I'm still leaning towards the cesarean. I'd hate to get myself worked up for a natural birth and then end up with a cesarean anyway or worse, have my scar rupture and put both my and Cupcake's lives in danger. Just need to look into the benefits of a VBAC. I know the risks associated with a C-section but my section went so smoothly and my recovery was so quick after Tobes that it all seems pretty straighforward to me. Hmmmm, time to do some research.

Almost forgot...

... a little tidbit for all the Yanks that read this blog. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with the National Health System. I love it that Toby gets totally free care, prescriptions and dental until he's 16 and I get the same while I'm pregnant and for a year after the birth. Normally I would pay around six pounds per perscription which is still pretty awesome. And I love it that once we turn 60 and will really start needing health care everything will be free again. If you're in a serious situation the quality of care is usually outstanding. When J had his appendicitis he had a fantastic surgeon and, years ago, when I had a breast lump removed my consultant was the guy who did the world's first double organ transplant!

The times that the NHS drives me crazy is when you have a condition that isn't very 'serious'. Everything is done on a priority basis so if you're not dying you have to wait until you're closer to death before anyone takes much notice. I'm also frequently shocked at the way that doctors are forced to cut corners in order to save money. Yesterday is a great example of this.

When I had my first midwife appointment I was given a little plastic cylinder with a lid and was asked to bring a urine sample to my next appointment so they could check for protein in my wee. OK, fine so far. Yesterday I dutifully turned up with my little vial of wee. You can imagine how much fun it was trying to wee into what is basically a test tube, especially when I had to virtually stand on my head so I could see over my belly. The midwife did the little test then handed the vial back to me. She explained that I should empty it, wash it out and pour boiling water over it then use it to bring in a sample to each appointment. I HAVE TO REUSE THE SAME VIAL EVERY TIME!!

That seems absurd to me. First of all, it doesn't sound very hygenic and who's to say that I'll be able to clean it properly. I'm hardly going to pop it in the dishwasher. What if there's residue from previous wees and I'm misdiagnosed with a problem I don't have? Surely, they could spring for a paper cup rather than paying for fancy plastic tubes with lids. All they do is dip some litmus paper in the wee to test it. Just seems a strange choice to me and believe me I am not relishing the thought of cleaning that vial after every appointment. Yuck.

MIdwife appointment

Had my second appointment with the midwife yesterday and it went well. Remember last time when I said that my blood pressure was about as low as it could get without my actually being dead? Well, I was wrong. Yesterday it was even lower, 90/58, and my iron levels are borderline which is why I've felt so wiped out lately. I was actually very glad to hear this because I've been so tired and had such a can't-be-arsed attitude that I was starting to wonder if I was heading towards depression. I suffered with depression in '99 and I never want to go through that again. I was very relieved to learn that it's just pregnancy stuff.

Apparently, there's not much I can do about the blood pressure and iron levels. I'm already taking 400% of the RDA for iron and following all the guidelines for dealing with low blood pressure. The midwife suggested I increase my intake of vitamin C to help my body process the iron and try to eat more iron rich foods like cabbage. Poor old J, as if I haven't had enough gas as it is. Now I've been given doctor's advice to eat more cabbage. I'll be sleeping out in the garden shed before long.

Cupcake is doing very well. She was laying transverse, which is the fancy way of saying she was laying sideways across my belly. I already knew this though because she had been kicking me in the left side with her feet while bumping her head into my right side. She's starting to outgrow the space in there so I guess she's stretching out while she still can. Her heartbeat was 150bpm, which is great. Tomorrow we actually get to see her and I've finally set up the software on this new computer so I can post some pics. If we get a good ultrasound image I'll post it in the blog.

The Name is still a favourite and we're narrowing down a middle name now. We want to do the same thing we did with Tobes and choose at least one name with a personal connection so we're making lists of possibilities. We have a favourite middle name too but I need to email my Naming Consultant (that's you Nikki) and see what she thinks of it.

So, all good news.

Life goes on

I was concerned how all of the tension yesterday was affecting Cupcake. I had a terrible few hours when I was unable to reach J and I know my stress levels were through the roof. I did the best I could. At times like that a girl needs her Daddy so I woke my Dad up at 4am in Texas, wailing down the phone. It took a few minutes before he could understand what I was saying but then he did just what I knew only he could - spoke some sense to me and calmed me down.

Everything was fine, of course, and life for us is back to normal this morning. We have gotten a step closer to naming Cupcake. I read about a useful technique and decided to try it out. Basically, you stand at the backdoor and shout out the various names as if you're trying to call the child in for dinner. I wasn't up for shouting out the backdoor but I sat on the couch and tried it out. It worked! There were some names that I loved but when it came to saying them out loud they just didn't feel right. One name felt so right that when I said it out loud I got all teary and giggly - looks like we have a winner!

The next test is one that we used with Toby's name. J and I like to give our babies long names with short nicknames so that they have some flexibilty. My other name test goes like this:

Step one - to test the long name

"Ladies and gentleman, please stand for the President of the United States [insert name] Futers"

Step two - to test the short name

"Hi, I'm [insert name] and I'll be your waiter this evening.'

or more ambitiously:

"And now... the one... the only... heeeeeeeeeere's [insert name]!!"

This is to make sure the long name is suitably serious and the short form is more relaxed and cool.

One name has passed all the tests and.... I'm not going to tell you what it is. :-)

I know this is dangerous

But the whole name thing is driving me crazy and I've just go to put some of these names out there and maybe get some feedback. These are some of the names we're considering. Brace yourself!

Maud
Mabel
Pearl
Matilda
Rosamund
Rose
Amelia
Beatrice or Beatrix
Betty
Iris
Sally

I told you they were out there! But these are the kinds of names we like. Comments and other suggestions are welcome. I don't mind giving Cupcake an unusual name but I don't want to be cruel and frankly, we don't where that line is drawn.

The not so joyous side of pregnancy

As the pregnancy progresses I'm getting more and more of the symptoms that no one warns you about. So far I've suffered with:

• leaking wee, that's really charming
• lots of gas.... LOTS of gas
• constipation
• boulder boobs
• milky boobs
• skin tags, always in the weirdest places
• waxy ears
• and my personal favourite - piles or haemmoroids (I prefer the term piles because it's so much easier to spell).

Ah, my old friend piles. I wrote about my piles extensively when I was pregnant with Toby and I'm not at all surprised that they've come back again. In fact, I must admit that they are one of the reasons I'm so keen on a C-section. With Tobes I never even made it to the pushing stage of labour but my piles were still outrageous. I can't imagine what it would be like if I actually had to try to push a baby out. I have this image of the midwife saying 'Oh! You're baby has arrived... no, wait a minute... that's just your lower intestine.'

It really is appalling. It was bad enough the first time around but this time I swear my piles have piles. The worst thing is that I'm such a big baby when it comes to buying the necessary medicine to make my life easier. In England they usually keep the Anusol behind the counter so you actually have to go and talk to someone about the state of your bottom before you're given the magic cream. It's bad enough buying the stuff. I always imagine the cashier looking at my rear as I walk out of the shop to see if she can see any telltale bulges. The indignity of actually discussing the problem in a public space with other people around is just agony.

When I was pregnant with Toby J would buy my Anusol for me but it seems that my Pregnancy Card has worn a bit thin the second time around. It looks like I'm going to have to do the deed myself. Geez, I'm blushing just at the thought of it. I have decided that I'm only going to do this once so I better stock up. I'm thinking three tubes of Anusol, maybe some suppositories and some Germaloids just to keep it interesting. I'll have to drive out to another part of town because I won't be able to enter that chemist again. The shame, oh the shame.