Just had to add

A couple of highlights from the ultrasound today:

The ultrasound technician admiring my C-section scar (it's almost invisible). She even called a couple of doctors over to take a look!

As my pants were pulled lower to check the placenta Toby very happily pointed out to everyone in the room (U/S technician, two doctors and some lady whose job was God knows what) that 'Look, Mommy has hair on her bits!' Then in a very serious tone 'Girls have bits and boys have willies.' That got a big laugh... so he kept saying it... louder and louder. I did manage to get him to stop before he announced it to everyone in the waiting room. Thank goodness.

There's a baby in there

And a feisty one too. They had some difficulty doing the nuchal scan because the baby wouldn't cooperate. Eventually I had Toby telling the baby to 'Turn over for doctor baby!'. We got there in the end and the measurement was in the normal range.

It was so nice to see the baby. She looked just like Toby did at that stage so I relaxed as soon as I saw her on the screen. Unfortunately, the doctors weren't as personable as our doc in Tokyo and it was much later before they acknowledged my interest in the proceedings and started to point out head, stomach, arms, legs, etc. In fact, the whole experience came very close to being ruined for me back the terrible organisation and the lack of communication with the doctors. I asked for pictures to take home and at the end of the scan they didn't have any for me! I was so close to tears. After waiting for two and a half hours to be seen and then being ignored I really thought I was going to cry.

I think they must've sensed this and I got back on the table and we did another scan so I could have some pics. It was so draining and demanding. I feel sorry for the women who go in there and are afraid to complain. They must feel like cattle being shooed in and shooed out again.

But, enough of the bad stuff. The good thing is that I saw the baby. I saw all of her, top to bottom, and everything seems to be in the right place. They refused to even make a guess at the sex of the baby but I asked them to at least let me have a look at the genitals and they didn't look anything like Toby's did at the same stage. Now, it could just be a different type of ultrasound (as I've said before, the one in Tokyo was top of the line) but J and I are both trying to prepare ourselves and Toby for the possibility of a baby girl.

That does freak me out a little bit. I know boys. I'd be happy with another boy and Toby says he wants a brother. What on earth will I do with a girl?! I guess we'll just work it out if and when the time comes.

So the stats from today are:

Heartbeat: 160 bpm
Crown to rump length: 67mm (average is 60-75mm)
Nuchal translucency: 1.6mm (anything up to 2mm is healthy)
Nasal bone present

Now Tobes and I are going to order Chinese food and totally veg out.

Warrior Prince(ss)

What a mad few days we've been having. I've been lucky that the morning sickness is getting better at the same time that we've been dealing with J in the hospital. Just two weeks ago I would not have been able to cope with all the activity and late nights. But I'm doing OK.

I've decided we need to find a name for this baby that means 'warrior' or 'fighter' or something like that. If this little one survives all of the illness we've had in the last few weeks and all of the madness of the last few days they are definitely a fighter. I've been so tired and eating so terribly. There's a McDonald's right next to the hospital and we've had that for lunch and dinner the last couple of days. I was virtually force feeding Tobes mango this morning to get something fresh into him.

My 12 week ultrasound is tomorrow and I'll be going on my own, which makes me a little nervous. J will be in the hospital all week and I'd rather not take Tobes and try to control him while having the scan. I have to go into London for the ultrasound because they need to use a special machine for it. I'm going to drive rather than take the train and me driving in London is pretty scary! One way or another it's going to be a very emotional experience. Either I'm going to see our little baby swimming around like a little fish... or I'm not. I do feel optimistic though so I'm hoping for the best.

They're going to do the nuchal fold test at the ultrasound where they check for the possibility of Downs Syndrome, hence the special machine. I never really worried about birth defects too much with Tobes but, after having two miscarriages, it suddenly seems as if anything is possible. So I'm feeling a bit nervous about the test too. I'm sure it will be fine and we'll deal with whatever the results may be. Just wish I had J there holding my hand. I know he wishes he was going to be there too.

Ahhhhhh....

Think I'm finally coming to the end of morning sickness (touch wood). Yesterday was a lovely day. Met George and Mary and their kids at Ikea. Toby and I went for the meatballs and didn't do any shopping but headed over to Borders to look at books. George and Mary met us later at the Starbucks in Borders and the boys ran wild and terrorised everyone in the bookstore. I felt well pretty much all day and Tobes and I even did some dancing when we got home!

Of course, there's a part of me that worries that I feel so well because maybe I'm not pregnant anymore, but I have a scan on Wednesday and I've decided that whatever is going on right now is out of my hands so I'm just going to hope for the best. We'll know for sure on Wednesday and if everything is fine on Wednesday then chances are the rest of the pregnancy will be fine. We'll have crossed the magic 12 week mark which means that most of the complicated stuff like the making of the brain, spinal cord, etc have been done and then it's just a matter of developing further and fattening up. I'm very good at the fattening up the baby bit (witness my breakfast of toast with peanut butter and maple syrup this morning). Toby was 8lbs 10.5oz. I imagine the next one will be about the same, if not bigger. God bless C-sections.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Had a very rough week last week. The sickness seemed to kick up a notch and I was on the couch or running to the loo most days. I'm actually very grateful that I was feeling so ill. Three women in my pregnancy internet group lost their babies last week. We're all due in November and are at about the same point in our pregnancies. Last week was a crucial week for the babies' development which is probably why I felt so ill and, unfortunately, why there were so many miscarriages. It's so incredibly sad to read their experiences and remember how it feels to lose a baby. That rollercoaster of fear and hope when you think it might be happening and then the dreadful realisation that all hope is gone.

If I wasn't feeling so sick I think I would be freaking out, so worried about losing this pregnancy too. Luckily, things seem to be going well. We have an ultrasound next Wednesday so I'm just looking forward to that and hopefully getting further comfirmation that things are progressing well.

I'm definitely feeling pregnant. My belly is getting so big. I'm undeniably showing already. It's even getting uncomfortable to sleep at night. I need four pillows - one under my head, one between my knees, one behind my back and one in front of me for my arm to lay on. Last week I had eggrolls and maple syrup for lunch one day. I'm tired pretty much all the time and still feeling sick regularly. I need to make a doctor's appointment as I haven't heard from the midwives yet. I want to get registered before we go to the States in May.

I'm feeling slightly optimistic that the sickness is getting better, or I'm getting better at dealing with it. I eat something every two hours and have only small meals. That makes a big difference. I just hope I'm feeling a little more energetic in time for Texas. I'll definitely need the energy then.

Yesterday was the worst so far

Terrible morning sickness. Virtually useless all day. Luckily, it was a Sunday when J was home. I think I just overdid it on Saturday when we were trouping around Blackheath looking at properties. Feeling better, though fragile, this morning.

We saw a programme last week called Life Before Birth. It was so interesting. A lot of the images were taken using 3D ultrasounds. I looked into them the following day and found a place in Sussex that does the ultrasounds and we're going to have one! They're amazing. I'm so excited and I think it'll be great for Toby to see the baby so clearly. We'll have it done some time in June or July after the trip to Texas. I can't wait! I've had so much trouble bonding with this baby so far. I guess after all the heartache of last year I'm just being wary, but I think being able to see the baby so clearly will be great for all of us.

I've been a mess...

... the last couple of days. I think the sleep deprivation from Toby's cough was really getting to me. Yesterday I was convinced that I was developing prenatal depression and then, after a good night's sleep last night, I woke up this morning feeling so well that I was convinced that something was wrong with the pregnancy. I must be so much fun to live with right now.

I'm still very nervous about this pregnancy and just hoping that it's all going well. I think the anxiety is what brought on the fears of depression and then I jump at every possible sign of a miscarriage, not that I've had many. I'm just about to the point where the morning sickness starts to lessen so it's probably natural that I feel better. It's just that with the first one we lost I knew something was wrong because I felt so well. I woke up one morning and felt so fresh and well-rested that I just knew I wasn't pregnant anymore. And I wasn't. Scares me to death just thinking that could happen again.

I think I'll buy another pregnancy test today just to prove to myself that I'm still pregnant. I've done seventeen tests so far! But they were all over a month ago when I was trying to convince myself that I was pregnant in the first place. Insanity must be a symptom of pregnancy because I seem to go mad every time.

Boy or girl??

Toby is convinced we're having a boy and will not waiver from this belief. J thinks it's a girl and I'm leaning in that direction. The morning sickness is different than it was with Tobes and my food preferences are different. Yeterday I actually drank from a big carton of juice in the carpark of the grocery store. I was just dying for the stuff and couldn't wait for a glass at home. Not like me. Fruit isn't usually one of my favourite things.

[After writing that paragraph I had to go get some more of that juice. Did I do the right thing and pour some into a glass? Nah. I figure my cooties are already on the carton so why bother.]

Current stats

Belly: getting bigger
Boobs: huge
Food aversions: coffee, tea, anything strong, rich or spicy
Cravings: juice, hamburgers, ice cream
Foods I MUST eat daily: Babybel cheese, toast, popsicles, breadsticks
Other things that make me feel sick: loud noises, repetitive noises, lots of movement (TV is a joy right now), when Toby whines, grocery shopping, strong smells